Here to Stay

car

Our time apart was brief. It was simply a time to breathe and account for where we are in our lives.  Who we are.

Where we are as a couple. And where we want to go.

The windshield is clean, our path is clear and laid out in front of us. He remains in the driver’s seat and I am his loyal passenger as we drive off into the sunset…into this next phase of us. No big life events planned. It’s just that we have now experienced what life would be like apart, and neither of us wants that.

When he arrived home, things were a little awkward. We were friendly and affectionate, but there was a formality. A hesitancy in the mood. I think we were both shell-shocked from the time apart and we felt weary and worn. Also, he didn’t arrive until 2:00 am, after an 8-hour drive. We were both exhausted. We talked for a bit and retired to bed.

I was drifting off to sleep when he leaned over and kissed me. I opened my eyes and found him watching me as I dosed. He kissed me again. His mouth tasted divine and my lips felt like a magnet, drawing towards his. We didn’t talk. We just kissed each other for a long time. Soft sweet kisses. Open passionate kisses. Slowly kissing. Taking it all in.

I found myself aroused by his mouth. I couldn’t get enough of his lips on mine. Feeling his tongue explore mine. The sweet taste. My mouth watered for more. My body salivated for his touch.

He pulled me to him and we began to make love. His touch felt so good on my skin and even better on my soul. His love penetrated me so deeply that I could feel my heart bleeding for him. For us. Each movement was affirmation that there is not another human being in this universe made for me, as he is. This connection. This depth is something that I was destined to have with my One.

My orgasms were swift and powerful and profoundly meaningful. I found myself, once again, shedding my layers for him. Revealing myself…more of myself. Giving all to him as it should be. I was so overwhelmed with pleasure and joy that I began to weep. Releasing everything as I laid my head on his chest. He breathed me in with each breath and exhaled himself, filling me with the air I need to thrive.

Afterwards, I reflected on our beautiful session, thinking about how amazing he is. How good we are together. And I realized the reason why we are so attuned to each other. I figured out how it is that every time, over a year into this, the sex is mind-blowing, existential and powerful. It our connection and it is our selfless love of each other. Each of us puts the other first…their needs and desires. There is no hidden agenda of me “getting mine” or him “getting his.” It is absolute selfless love and focus on the other person. We demonstrate this in how we make love. And we demonstrate this selflessness in our relationship. Always putting the other first.

This is what a real relationship looks like. A first for me. This is a healthy, happy place that I share with my M who makes it a reality. His love and adoration of me, gives me permission and acceptance to finally love myself. And this love allows me to give him all that I am. It’s a beautiful exchange.

Welcome home, M. Our love is here to stay.

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A Case of You

Watched Practical Magic the other night and this has been in my head ever since…

Oh you’re in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet

Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I’d be on my feet
oh I would still be on my feet

Rolling in the Deep…

This won’t be a sexy, metaphorically-laden clever post.  Folks, this is where the sh*t gets real.

We are approaching 4 months since M’s arrival.  For the number people (I happen to be one) That’s 120 days.  That’s 2880 hours.  That’s one third of a year.

And the veneer has worn off.

Yes, we have farted in front of each other.  He has seen me at my best and my worst.  He sees the in between.  He sees through my bullshit.  And occasionally, I feel a tinge of panic…because there’s nowhere for me to hide.  He will reveal me

. He has seen me swell with pride as my oldest graduated from high school, with honors.  He was there when my 7 year old had his art show.  And my 2 year old runs to him first when we both arrive at daycare to pick her up.  I am His.  He is mine.  And the kids are morphing into ours.  We are a family.  A happy family.

He is here when I fall apart…I lost my job of 6 years due to a major shift in budget.  He was here to help pick me up, reassuring me that all would work out.  Reminding me that we will be fine.

He is by my side as I watch my father’s health deteriorate.  We put him on hospice this week.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to face.   And I am not alone in the journey…he is here.  Leading me as my protector.

And in the midst of this chaos, he is my strength.  He helps me unpack the years of baggage I carry with me.  My burden is lighter because he works me through my issues.  (I sometimes feel like he needs to bill me for a copay)

beautiful

This is the beauty of a strong relationship.  This is the epitome of D/s.  It’s not the kink.  It’s not the scenes.  (Those are wonderful and have their purpose.) But this where we go deeper.  This is where I give all to my M and he gives me sanctuary.  This is where we grow. We have a long way to go, but I will say that we walk the road together.  And when I want to run and hide…when I want to forge ahead, or lag behind….he reminds me of who I am.

I am HIS… I belong to Him, and He’s got this.

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(Quotes from Pinterest) 

Grey…

Lately, I guess I have been in a bubble. With so much fun going on at home, I haven’t really kept up with current events, or even local news.

So I just missed this one…

While shopping at Target yesterday (honestly readers, you would think I live there) I noticed a large display of books near the check-out. It was the new E L James’ book, “Grey”. It was brazenly on display, right where they place the “impulse items”. I snickered to myself and thought, how appropriate.  Next to the guilty pleasures of candy bars, expensive Chapstick and individual Frappucino bottles, lurked the latest tome on the man himself, Christian Grey.

So this is a book written exclusively from Christian’s perspective.  In his words.  A work to further explore his sadistic mind.  His quirky ways.  His brooding intensity.  I pondered purchasing it.  But instead, I impulsively picked up the EOS Chapstick and a Frappucino, and made my way out of the store.

Driving away, I started thinking about the name “Grey”. I started thinking about the connotation behind it.  I began to reflect on other movies who had a brooding leading man with the same surname.  And it was distracting, so I pulled over, reapplied my Chapstick and finished up the Mocha.

One of my favorite independent films is 2002’s Secretary.  Maggie Gyllenhaal played the role perfectly and the movie jump-started her career.  And then there was James Spader….whew.   His character was none other than, Mr. E. Edward Grey, an OCD attorney who plowed through secretaries faster than a Kardashian changes shoes. To me, he is who I think of when I hear the title, “Mr. Grey”.   Since he was her boss, she always called him Mr. Grey, especially when he fashioned his angry red Sharpie to her work and bent her over his desk.  Love that movie. It was so quirky and bizarre, but nonetheless, brilliant.  And a happy ending.

spader

If you take it back a bit further, you will find the character of John Gray, from 1986’s Nine 1/2 weeks.  Back then, Mickey Rourke was the bad boy the good girls loved.  And boy was he bad in the movie.  Dark and mysteriously charming he seduced Kim Basinger and made her a wanton wreck of a woman in the end.  A not so happy ending…and a terrible sequel, too.

rourke

And of course, there is the now infamous, Christian Grey.  The ultra-successful billionaire who wears his jeans off his hips, likes his women submissive, his dungeons red and his ropes tight.

jeans

All of these similarly surnamed characters made me think…what is it about the name “Grey/Gray” that aligns with the aura of dominant mystique?  The word literally means, the “color intermediately between black and white” (no surprise there)  So is it because all of these characters embrace both the light and dark sides of their psyche?  Is it because they are the balance of both good and bad?  They have in some way mastered the place in the middle where those lines are skewed?  Possibly?  Thoughts?

But grey/gray also means “dull and nondescript without interest or character” and I wonder if that definition is a direct reference to the new book?  HA!  Just kidding!

Don’t fool yourself…I am sure I will pick it up on my next venture to Target…after all this pensive thought I need to go back, I am almost out of Chapstick.

greyd

Stretched

very stretched and far fetched his mind had become.. .

Each and every day brings new experiences for me as I fall deeper and deeper in love with M.  I never thought I could really get what I wanted.  I was always prepared to give something up to get something else.  I no longer have to do that.  He is a complete person, a man in every sense of the word…who fulfills what I need and want .  And each day that passes teaches me something more.  More about him.  More about our dynamic.  More about being a parent.  More about being HIS.  He tests me on every level, because he knows I am capable of handling it.

Every day I am stretched (sometimes literally) or metaphorically speaking.

And each day I am thankful to have found my One.

Opening the Windows

Yes!  Finally! Spring has arrived in my town. The kids are back in school.  The Masters’ patrons have all returned home and the thick yellow pollen has began to subside. The weather is warm and the feel in the house is warmer from the temperature outside and also because M is here permanently.  We are blending into a very happy and contented family.

I realized today, that it’s time to open the windows.

Not literally, but as we progress…as our bond deepens, I am beginning to understand that it’s time for me to fully reveal myself.  Not that I have been holding back, but there are things I need to release…M already knows this, but I recently had one of my epiphanies that enlightened me.

I enjoy the dense anticipation leading up to a well-orchestrated scene.  I love the planning.  I love the preparation.  I love how I envision the scenario.  I love the rush of it all.  And equally, I love Maestro’s spontaneity.  When I least expect it.  When I am not prepared, he brings an afternoon filled with carnal pleasure that makes me a blubbering mess.

Literally.

So I will get a little personal here, but I am one of those lucky gals who is able to orgasm easily and frequently.  I find that each time I go there, I lose myself in the moment and shift into a state of hedonistic debauchery.  Maestro knows every inch of my body and how to make me writhe and shake with delight in a mere matter of minutes.  Today, he took me to a place I’d never ventured before.  It was like subspace, but far more primal.  I found myself glazed over, breathing like a wild animal, staring deeply into his eyes.  I was so overcome by the beast within me, that I was no longer my civilized self.  And at that moment, in it’s intensity, I began to weep.

With Maestro, I find that I do cry from our more consuming exchanges together.  It usually happens after I venture into subspace, and it’s a beautiful release.

Today was different.

Today, the tears felt more intentional.  They were a layer I was shedding, like an animal sheds its winter coat in the warmth of spring.  It was a place of pure vulnerability.  I felt it.  He felt it.  And when I tried to retreat and nuzzle into his chest, he held my face and said, “No.  Don’t hide.  Look at me.”

I tried to look away, but he held my face with a tender firmness that demanded my attention.  So we stared into each others eyes.  The human and the wild animal, sharing an unspoken trust.  Sharing a new level of our life together. And the tears…they fell…one by one…neither of us trying to wipe them away.  Both of us so focused on each other that it was a moment that I will never forget.  The feeling, like a hunter capturing his prey.  His prey could have tried to escape, but chose to stay…in the moment.  Chose to let him have her.

I realized once the beast within retreated and I fell back into my civilized self, that I had just opened my windows. My soul was aching to come out.  I knew that in that moment, I felt and revealed a part of my soul that had been hibernating for far too long.  The winter of my life is officially over.  Spring is here.

And my windows are open.

open window

At a Loss…

closer please

I am at a loss for words…

And yet I sit here, trying to share with you what I experienced this weekend.  Trying to figure out a way to put it out there in words that can be understood.

And even I don’t fully understand it.

Maestro arrived at 5:07 am on Saturday morning.  He decided to sleep for a while after work before making the drive to me, putting him here before daybreak.  Things were different from the beginning.  There was a different feel to his arrival.  It didn’t feel like he was coming for a visit.

It felt like he was coming home.

And after such a long and tedious drive through the night, he was ready for bed.  Or so I thought…

By 6:34 am, I’d had so many orgasms that I felt lightheaded.  Each one was more intense than the previous one.  The freshly laundered sheets were muddled in a matter of minutes and Maestro was intent on pushing further.

With his hand firmly grasping my throat, he growled, “I am not finished using you yet.”

And he carried on with his intent.  Pushing me.  Extracting ecstasy at every move.  I was almost in a state of bewilderment, almost at my limit, when he relented and allowed me respite…giving me the opportunity to please him…to worship him.

We got little sleep and the kids were up very early.  They were excited to see M.  They adore him. We spent the majority of the day playing with them…and the babysitter arrived.  We decided to grab an early dinner.  I could tell Maestro was thinking about something, I could sense it.  As we ate, he said, “I am coming here to stay.  No more traveling back and forth.  This is where I want to be.  I have a job offer and it’s time to make the change.”

I was shocked.  We had been talking about his relocation, with a projected time frame for the summer.  So this was sudden and I was beyond happy.  I need this man, this wonderful man, in my life daily…I need to be in his presence, daily.

So we sat there and planned.  And he will be here this weekend.  This is REALLY happening!

Looking back at the inception of this blog, of my journey at that time…I could have never dreamed that this would happen.  I never dreamed that I would ever find the happiness, as I have with him.  I never knew I could have the whole enchilada…have my cake and savor it too…

Think about it…I have been blessed with a man who loves and adores me.

And I love and adore him.

He loves my kids.

My kids love him.

He loves and accepts my family (my ailing father).

My family LOVES him.

He is able to fulfill my mind (not easy, I am an over-analytical, people pleaser)

He is able to lead and protect me.

He is able to take me to places I’ve never been.

He allows me to be my wickedly kinky self (as he is also wickedly kinky, even more than me).

And here we go…

My Master, as I am His…His slave.

He owns me, saying I am His most precious possession.

And we are about to embark on this crazy journey together as One.

So again, I am at a loss… a loss of what to say… a loss of the mess I was before.

Looking forward to who I have become.  Who I will become…

As we become One.

one day