Shelter From the Storm

It’s after 2:00 am.  I can’t sleep, there’s too much on my mind.  Readers, I warn you….this is not going to be my typical post.  I’m in a state, so bear with me on this one.  It needs to come out. So here goes….

Emotional vulnerability is not my thing.  I rarely open up to people and very seldom do I show true emotion.  I keep my feelings in check until I can deal with them in private.  It’s just how I am wired. This is why submission is such an integral part of me.  In a scene, I can be vulnerable (more so in a physical sense) and I must let go to experience it.  It is a literal manifestation of vulnerability and for a long time, it gave me what I craved.

Until meeting Maestro, my submission was focused exclusively in the physical realm.  I was comfortable to be in a submissive “role” when engaged in a scene with one of my suitors.  But never did I allow myself to become emotionally vulnerable.  My guard was always up, as were my towering walls.  And if I felt someone was about to scale one of my walls, I would simply run.  It is an instinctive defense mechanism.

But Maestro changed all of that.  I felt like I was re-wired in a sense.  For once, I felt safe to be emotional.  To be vulnerable.  I felt protected.  I found myself embracing my suppressed submissiveness.  I began to feel things.  Experience things.  I didn’t run.  I could allow myself to swim in the deep waters, because he had my back.  And I knew that he wouldn’t allow anything to happen to me.  Submission was becoming more than a scene.  It was allowing me to finally become me.

So on this emotional and spiritual journey of mine,  I have learned many things.  I understand faith and grace and unconditional love.  But at the present time, I don’t feel very submissive.  And I am most upset about that.

Looking back at my two marriages, I was the strong one.  I was the one who handled everything.  I had the career and ran the house with a stern hand while raising and nurturing children. And with the crystal clear vision of hindsight, I understand why they ended.  That is not the natural order of things and it was destined for failure.  Upon deep reflection, I feel that I created the environment.  My reluctance to be vulnerable.  My inability to relinquish any form of control.  My need to lead it all, helped convert these two (polar opposite) men I married, into blubbering idiots….dependent on me for every decision.  Dependent on me to handle it all.  My inability to let go…my inability to be vulnerable helped to create an environment of learned helplessness.

And I am terrified that I am once again, subconsciously this time, headed for a similar scenario.

I just lost my mother a month ago.  That’s a pretty catastrophic event to endure and I was there for it all, spending many nights with her in the hospital.  Wanting to be alone with her for the communion of it just being us, but also because I wanted the privacy to be emotional.  And I am having a difficult time letting go.  I am really struggling to grieve.  I don’t think any of my friends or family really see this.  I put on the strong face and work through it.  I can maintain a stoic front for as long as I have to.  But the difference is….I don’t want to “have to”any longer.

In the midst of this, I have pulled away from Maestro.  I feel my instinct to run creeping back into my thoughts.  And I don’t want to run from him.  But I have had so much to handle…mom died…the kids have been terribly sick…I got sick…we were in a car accident (all of this in a 3 week span.)  And I am still caring for my father…still working as the only breadwinner…still getting up every morning and being a single mom. It gets to be too much at times.

Sometimes, I just want to curl up in his arms and know that I am protected.  That everything will be alright.  I want to be the little.  I want to hand over my burdens.  But he is seven hours away and this is when it really sucks to be in a long-distance relationship.  And here is my struggle with my submission.  I have pulled away and pushed him away…telling him I need to cope with things on my own.  I have been distant and in-turn, I feel him becoming distant…which is the opposite of what I want or need.  I am sure I am sending mixed signals, but what I need more than anything is the feeling of protection.  To complicate matters, he has a lot going on in his life right now, too.  So I can’t expect him to make the trip here every weekend.  But I need him.  I don’t want my stoic front to fool him into thinking I don’t.  I do need his strength.

And I need my submission to him, which feels a bit lost in all of this.  But to process, I need it now more than ever.  And part of that submission is being honest with myself and with him by admitting that I do need him.  I need his guidance.  I need his level-head…and his way of making me laugh…I need how he simplifies my life just by talking me through whatever task is in front of me…whatever I am facing.

I need shelter from the storm.

Not a word was spoke between us there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved
Try imagining a place where it’s always safe and warm
“Come in” He said
“I’ll give you shelter from the storm”.

I was burned out from exhaustion buried in the hail
Poisoned in the bushes and blown out on the trail
Hunted like a crocodile ravaged in the corn
“Come in” He said
“I’ll give you shelter from the storm”.