You know my disdain for online dating. As I’ve said, I find the whole thing tedious.
But yet, I am still on there. I am on Ok Cupid.
Must be the masochist in me that keeps me registered.
But as I reflect on my experience, I have managed to find a few gems in the dark mine of contrived hedonistic limbo, that is online dating.
After all, I met Sir there. And although we don’t see each other, we are in contact. He still guides me, spiritually.
I met Henry-fucking-Hill there. And although we have yet to seal the deal, he has turned out to be a real favorite. He is the first person I call when things go south. He and his gangster ways help me to put things into perspective, like a real goodfella.
I met Billy the Kid on there. The one who provides the perfect dynamic in my chaotic life, blending friendship and hot carnal pleasure. And his brilliance is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I enjoy riding off into the sunset/sunrise with this young gun.
I met Mr. Hemingway. The one man who penetrates my tar-black soul releasing me to new levels of Nirvana. The one most likely to be the One. Sigh.
And I am registered on Fetlife and Alt.com. (Met Ike Turner on Alt, yuck)
But again, I have found more success on OKC.
Why is that? Is it pure luck? Or have I learned to master the questionnaire enough to select those who possess what I seek?
Here are the questions I examine when looking for those with potential to bring the dynamic.
There is the blatant question: Do you consider yourself to be: Dominant, Submissive or Balanced? Do you prefer your partner to be, Dominant, Submissive or Balanced?
If they can’t get that one right, I automatically move on. They have to be willing and able to put it out there. After all, if they are Dominant, it shouldn’t be an issue to do so. And I look for those seeking a Submissive partner.
Describe yourself, are you more carefree or intense? They must answer “intense” as I will have no Deadheads, Parrotheads or the like, trying to dominate me. They are so laid back, I’d never get tied up.
Next question: What makes for a better relationship, passion or dedication?
I seek those answering “Passion” as I have found those looking for “Dedication” are needy and clingy. I want someone to be passionate.
Next question: Do you want your partner to be kinkier than you: Yes, No, Not possible.
I may be a slut for saying it, but I want those who answer, “Not possible” as it lets me know they are a bit “out” there. Incidentally, I answered it, “Not possible.”
Next question: What is more important to you right now, love or sex?
I am not looking for love. Let’s be real…we are all adults here. Even when they answer love, they mean sex. But if someone has the balls to put “sex” as their answer, they score points with me. Those who put ‘love’ have the potential to be clingy and possessive. Not what I seek.
And the final one, in my litmus test of finding the kinksters:
If you were to die and people were to go through your belongings, would they be shocked at what they find?
Answer choices are: Yes, No, A little, Very.
I want the ones who answer with a “Yes” and I really like the ones who answer “Very” as this implies they have some varied accoutrements in their possession. I answered, “Very”. I do think about that from time to time…what would they do if they found my box of fun…complete with cuffs, riding crops, collars, etc.
So if the person answers the questions accordingly, I may engage them in a message. Typically they have already messaged me.
Question to the other subs out there reading this: Is there an invisible tattoo that appears on our foreheads that only Dominant types can see? I have had so many approach me, almost already knowing that I am a submissive. How do they do that? Hemingway knew out of the gate that I was submissive. He says there’s a look in my eyes that tells my story.
So as the messaging moves forward, I can determine even more. If they are the jealous-type, they check when I log into OKC. “Saw you were on this morning…I haven’t messaged anyone since I found you. Are you still getting messages?”
Code word: Stalker. Insecure. Clingy
That message shuts it down for me. How dare they assume that because I have had an exchange of friendly cyber-banter that I belong to them. I block them and move on.
Other messages take on an overt sexual tone.
Now folks, we have established that I am no prude. I have been known to enjoy the company of a man. Preferably a Dominant man.
When they become too sexual too fast, that’s a huge red flag for me. I find it crass and unsophisticated. I am fine with a little innuendo peppered into the conversation, but when it goes to, “I love your tits. I can wait to….”
Code word: Frat boy. Troglodyte.
Again, I am no prude. I know the conversation will eventually go this route, however, I demand a higher level of finesse. When they are crass and overtly direct, I know they will never understand the dynamic I seek. They are focused on their needs. So I move on…but not without a scathing message to let them know why things have never worked out for them…
When they fall in love too quickly, that sends me running for the hills. What I find most amusing is when they says things like,
“If we really hit it off, I have season tickets to XYZ, we’ll have a great time going….and I have a feeling that you’re the one for me….blah, blah, blah”
Code word: Desperate. Co-dependent.
Many men who have been married for long periods of time fall into this category. They are accustomed to being part of a pair, and they are determined to recreate it. Whether or not it’s a good fit, is secondary. They want the person to “cuddle” with and have issues being alone. This type bothers me most. It’s set up for failure from the beginning and they never learn. They are so focused on finding anyone to pair with, that they find themselves heartbroken over and over. And they will never see that it’s their own damned fault. I wish I could take the time to let them know why things never work out for them, but I don’t have the time nor the patience. And they would see my assistance as a sign that we were “meant for each other”. Geez….
So after I have determined that the person is none of those referenced above, I will continue correspondence. And eventually we meet. Sometimes it’s good. We like each other. There is chemistry.
Sometimes, it’s just not good.
For me, the number one thing missing from online dating, the reason it’s so difficult to find the right fit via messages and phone calls…there is no accounting for presence.
Do they stand tall and confident? Or are they slumped and broken?
Do they have a commanding way about them? People talk “shit” all of the time. You may think you’ve found the most Dominant man in the world by your conversations and messages.
You meet for drinks and he is uneasy about getting the server’s attention when we need another drink. No command at all. No presence.
For me, presence is by far the most important piece. I am not fixated on what they look like. I realize how quickly looks can change (I work in healthcare, I’ve seen some tragic things). I am not particular about body-type, facial hair, height or anything superficial. For me it’s about how they carry themselves. How they present themselves.
And they have to have a brain. No scarecrows here. I need an intelligent man. One who can keep up in conversation and hold their own in intense discussions. That is the ultimate aphrodisiac for me, cunning intelligence. Sigh…
He’s out there somewhere. The One.
I’ll find Him somehow…I already have His song ready. It’s simple and straightforward…
But I’m a man, yes I am
And I can’t help
But love you so
I got to keep my image
While suspended from a throne
That looks out upon a kingdom
Full of people all unknown
That’s what I’m talking about….