Stretched

very stretched and far fetched his mind had become.. .

Each and every day brings new experiences for me as I fall deeper and deeper in love with M.  I never thought I could really get what I wanted.  I was always prepared to give something up to get something else.  I no longer have to do that.  He is a complete person, a man in every sense of the word…who fulfills what I need and want .  And each day that passes teaches me something more.  More about him.  More about our dynamic.  More about being a parent.  More about being HIS.  He tests me on every level, because he knows I am capable of handling it.

Every day I am stretched (sometimes literally) or metaphorically speaking.

And each day I am thankful to have found my One.

Opening the Windows

Yes!  Finally! Spring has arrived in my town. The kids are back in school.  The Masters’ patrons have all returned home and the thick yellow pollen has began to subside. The weather is warm and the feel in the house is warmer from the temperature outside and also because M is here permanently.  We are blending into a very happy and contented family.

I realized today, that it’s time to open the windows.

Not literally, but as we progress…as our bond deepens, I am beginning to understand that it’s time for me to fully reveal myself.  Not that I have been holding back, but there are things I need to release…M already knows this, but I recently had one of my epiphanies that enlightened me.

I enjoy the dense anticipation leading up to a well-orchestrated scene.  I love the planning.  I love the preparation.  I love how I envision the scenario.  I love the rush of it all.  And equally, I love Maestro’s spontaneity.  When I least expect it.  When I am not prepared, he brings an afternoon filled with carnal pleasure that makes me a blubbering mess.

Literally.

So I will get a little personal here, but I am one of those lucky gals who is able to orgasm easily and frequently.  I find that each time I go there, I lose myself in the moment and shift into a state of hedonistic debauchery.  Maestro knows every inch of my body and how to make me writhe and shake with delight in a mere matter of minutes.  Today, he took me to a place I’d never ventured before.  It was like subspace, but far more primal.  I found myself glazed over, breathing like a wild animal, staring deeply into his eyes.  I was so overcome by the beast within me, that I was no longer my civilized self.  And at that moment, in it’s intensity, I began to weep.

With Maestro, I find that I do cry from our more consuming exchanges together.  It usually happens after I venture into subspace, and it’s a beautiful release.

Today was different.

Today, the tears felt more intentional.  They were a layer I was shedding, like an animal sheds its winter coat in the warmth of spring.  It was a place of pure vulnerability.  I felt it.  He felt it.  And when I tried to retreat and nuzzle into his chest, he held my face and said, “No.  Don’t hide.  Look at me.”

I tried to look away, but he held my face with a tender firmness that demanded my attention.  So we stared into each others eyes.  The human and the wild animal, sharing an unspoken trust.  Sharing a new level of our life together. And the tears…they fell…one by one…neither of us trying to wipe them away.  Both of us so focused on each other that it was a moment that I will never forget.  The feeling, like a hunter capturing his prey.  His prey could have tried to escape, but chose to stay…in the moment.  Chose to let him have her.

I realized once the beast within retreated and I fell back into my civilized self, that I had just opened my windows. My soul was aching to come out.  I knew that in that moment, I felt and revealed a part of my soul that had been hibernating for far too long.  The winter of my life is officially over.  Spring is here.

And my windows are open.

open window

“ReMastered”

Recently I have been on a musical mission. Finding songs from my past that resonate with me now. And I noticed a trend during my search.  Many of the songs I sought, had been “remastered”.

What an interesting word…Remastered.

In music, remastered means the original recording of a song has been digitally enhanced.  Most of the songs on my list that have been remastered, sound clearer, and there is a greater distinction in tone.  There is an overall better sound quality…with no static.  It is still the same song, not a cover, but rather better version of the original.

What an interesting concept.  ReMastered.

Taking a moment to apply the concept to myself, I find that I have indeed, been ReMastered.  I am still the same “song” but the static is gone.  I am clearer.  I am able to distinguish between the many tones in my sound.  It is all because I am enhanced.  Better.

Leave it to the Maestro to put my song back in tune, making it better than the original.

Living the M/s dynamic 24/7 makes me a better person.  My focus is steady, my resolve relentless.  My one and only objective is to do what is pleasing to M.  And many of you reading this may think…yeah, that’s nice, but what about your job, your kids, your life?  And I hear you…months ago, I would not have understood the profound effect living in a power-exchange relationship would have on how I function.  But this “ReMastering” makes me better in every way.

If I focus on what is pleasing to my Maestro, then I have no other worries.

It makes him happy if I wake up early and arrive to work early.  He finds my punctuality, pleasing.

It makes him happy when I keep the kids on a routine (and he helps tremendously with this).  He finds this structure pleasing.

It makes him happy that I take a minute in the morning to fix his coffee and bring it to him, without being asked.  He finds my service to him, pleasing.

It makes him happy when I openly beg him for what I want, without limit or reservation.  He finds my absolute surrender to him, pleasing.

It makes him happy when I kneel before him, as he reads or watches television, resting my head on his knee.  He finds my reverence to him, pleasing.

I feel complete and utter peace in doing what pleases him.  Everything is easier for me.  I don’t become as stressed when the kids are out of control, because I have his support and his strength.  Bad day at work? No problem…I can give it all to him and from his vantage point as my Master, he helps me find the opportunities hidden from my sight. His ownership protects me from many of the burdens I’ve faced alone for most of my life.

If you stop and think about it…it’s really a beautiful trade.  His ownership and my surrender.  Each of us giving the other what they want most out of life.  I find it very spiritual and it reaffirms this journey of mine.  This journey that has shifted into something far deeper than I ever thought possible.  It’s much like a godly relationship.  Giving all to God…the good and the bad, handing over all burdens, giving praise and glory.  Allowing oneself to surrender, to be led, to be protected.  For me, my relationship with Maestro, within this M/s dynamic, is a direct manifestation of how I want my relationship with God to be.  I want to do what is pleasing to Him, knowing that this is my one directive.  Living in a way that is pleasing to both my Maestro and my Maker.  Leaving my troubles and burdens with those who take on the responsibility in exchange for my faith, devotion and surrender.

It is perfect in its simplicity.

And I have to say…each day with Maestro is perfect simply because he is here.  I guess you could say that I have everything I want.

You say you’ll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbor in the tempest

At a Loss…

closer please

I am at a loss for words…

And yet I sit here, trying to share with you what I experienced this weekend.  Trying to figure out a way to put it out there in words that can be understood.

And even I don’t fully understand it.

Maestro arrived at 5:07 am on Saturday morning.  He decided to sleep for a while after work before making the drive to me, putting him here before daybreak.  Things were different from the beginning.  There was a different feel to his arrival.  It didn’t feel like he was coming for a visit.

It felt like he was coming home.

And after such a long and tedious drive through the night, he was ready for bed.  Or so I thought…

By 6:34 am, I’d had so many orgasms that I felt lightheaded.  Each one was more intense than the previous one.  The freshly laundered sheets were muddled in a matter of minutes and Maestro was intent on pushing further.

With his hand firmly grasping my throat, he growled, “I am not finished using you yet.”

And he carried on with his intent.  Pushing me.  Extracting ecstasy at every move.  I was almost in a state of bewilderment, almost at my limit, when he relented and allowed me respite…giving me the opportunity to please him…to worship him.

We got little sleep and the kids were up very early.  They were excited to see M.  They adore him. We spent the majority of the day playing with them…and the babysitter arrived.  We decided to grab an early dinner.  I could tell Maestro was thinking about something, I could sense it.  As we ate, he said, “I am coming here to stay.  No more traveling back and forth.  This is where I want to be.  I have a job offer and it’s time to make the change.”

I was shocked.  We had been talking about his relocation, with a projected time frame for the summer.  So this was sudden and I was beyond happy.  I need this man, this wonderful man, in my life daily…I need to be in his presence, daily.

So we sat there and planned.  And he will be here this weekend.  This is REALLY happening!

Looking back at the inception of this blog, of my journey at that time…I could have never dreamed that this would happen.  I never dreamed that I would ever find the happiness, as I have with him.  I never knew I could have the whole enchilada…have my cake and savor it too…

Think about it…I have been blessed with a man who loves and adores me.

And I love and adore him.

He loves my kids.

My kids love him.

He loves and accepts my family (my ailing father).

My family LOVES him.

He is able to fulfill my mind (not easy, I am an over-analytical, people pleaser)

He is able to lead and protect me.

He is able to take me to places I’ve never been.

He allows me to be my wickedly kinky self (as he is also wickedly kinky, even more than me).

And here we go…

My Master, as I am His…His slave.

He owns me, saying I am His most precious possession.

And we are about to embark on this crazy journey together as One.

So again, I am at a loss… a loss of what to say… a loss of the mess I was before.

Looking forward to who I have become.  Who I will become…

As we become One.

one day

 

The Four-Letter Word

And as our weekend came to a close, I found myself spent and euphoric.  Maestro and I had an amazing time together.  I feel us becoming closer.  Our connection deeper.  Our future together more certain.  Our plans more definite.

I can say, without a shred of doubt or hesitation….

I am His.

He left early Monday to return home.  I was in desperate need of a nap and a shower.  There was only time for one of them…so I took a shower and readied myself for work.

After showering I noticed there was something written on my backside.  Something left behind by my Maestro.  I turned to look more closely in the mirror.

And there it was…

His mark.

My title…

Written in beautiful block lettering, by the hand of the man I love, was a four letter word.

Scribed backwards, so I could read it clearly in the mirror, was just this single word that says it all…

MINE

Mine

 

 

 

 

 

Faith, Restored…

Restored….

Things are much better now. I’ve had a trying start to 2015. I didn’t realize how much I’d distanced myself from everyone, especially Maestro. I guess it’s how I cope. Instead of reaching out to him for help, for support…I pushed him farther and farther away. My last post was my way of reaching out and initially, he didn’t take it well. I can certainly understand his perspective. Instead of just telling him how much I was hurting, I turned away from him and turned to my writing.

He was hurt that I didn’t open up to him, but being the strong man he is…he was able to put his own feelings aside and focus on me.  We talked for hours.  He helped me through the darkness I was feeling.  He helped me identify my triggers.  He helped me understand his triggers.  And at the end of our conversation, a talk that lasted into the wee hours of Friday morning, he made an announcement.

“I am coming up this weekend. I need to see you.”

We were planning a visit for Valentine’s weekend, so this was an exciting surprise.  At first, I worried that he would not be able to visit two weeks in a row.  It is a 7-hour drive, one way, after all.  But he was undeterred by time or distance.  He still planned to be here for Valentines, but he wanted to make sure I was okay.  He wanted to be there for me.  He wanted to make sure “we” were okay.  And being a man of his word…

At 1:15 am, Saturday morning, my Maestro was here.

One I saw him, everything was okay.  I immediately felt the protection and support I needed just by his presence.  We had a great weekend…quiet and relaxing.  And he is so good with my kids.  He understands how challenging it is for me to give them all of the attention they need, while trying to work and keep the house, and care for my father.  So he senses where I need the support and jumps in to help.  He keeps me calm and grounded when things become chaotic.

And he also knows how to give me the release I so badly need.  And in my recent stressed state, he understood just how far to push me, without going too far.  He knows what I need.

We are stronger than ever.  This was our first real challenge.  When I was falling he came to the rescue and caught me in those big strong arms of his.  When my problems were too much, he carried me.  When we began drifting apart, he closed the distance between us and showed up on my doorstep.

When I began to doubt everything, he restored my faith.

I learned from this experience…I learned that I need to trust his strength.  Trust his judgement.  And most of all, trust him to be the man I know he is.  The One who can handle it all.  The One who holds my fragile heart in his strong and worthy hands.

All my love to you, M.  See you again soon.