Full Disclosure

I have always lived a double life.  Until now.

I remember when I began exploring a secret life.  There was an excitement to it.  I was able to escape my reality by living in an alternate, yet parallel existence.  It’s where I began my first experience with D/s.

To my family and friends I was an intelligent, driven 16 year old, well-spoken and self-assured.  I knew what I wanted out of life and I had the ambition to make it happen.  They saw me as the obedient good girl, who did what was expected and rarely questioned authority.

Funny how that paralleled into my secret life…

Because, in my secret existence, I was still the same girl, just a much darker version.  I was involved with a man many years my senior, my mentor at work, who introduced me to the lifestyle, without ever labeling it as such.  I was just as obedient and did what I was told to do.  It was a very natural place for me.  I learned early on that I enjoyed pushing limits and exploring different things…things my high school counterparts knew nothing about.

It was part of my secret existence.

Now fast-forward 25 years.  Since then, I have always kept a part of my life secret.  Neither of my former spouses knew of, or would have ever accommodated my eclectic tastes in kink.  They saw me in a completely different light.  I was the one in control of the relationship, so I could never be my true submissive self.  When I would recommend different things, they would become uncomfortable and withdraw, so I stopped communicating.  Keeping it all on a surface-level.

I always looked for an outlet elsewhere.  It’s not something I am proud of at all.  But luckily, neither of them were ever aware of my extra-curricular activities.  That was never the reason for the breakup…there were many other reasons that ended the marriage.

So, here I am.  Almost 42 years old.  And for once in my adult life, I have nothing to hide.  I want to share it all with Maestro.  There is no shame in my past transgressions.  There is no hesitance in disclosing my dark moments.  I know that his love and adoration is unconditional, just as mine is with him.  There is no need to keep anything from him.  He loves and accepts all of me.

From a spiritual place, this type of love and acceptance epitomizes the concept of grace.  It’s where love cannot be earned, but rather, it’s given freely as a gift.

Through this grace…

I have freed myself of any distractions.  Those that were part of my secret existence no longer have a place in my life.

I am freed of the need to hold on to secrets.  To keep secrets.  To live a double life.

I am unlocked.  Open.  Ready to share.  Ready to receive.

Seems each corner I turn, with Maestro as my guide, I find myself closer to the enlightenment I’ve sought all these years.

Faith.  Love.  Peace.  Grace.

Each day brings deeper understanding as we journey along together.

 

Advertisements

Longing and Belonging

I have a deep appreciation for all music. In my opinion some of the best songs were written in the 1950’s, when idealism and hope were alive and thriving.
This song has such a deep meaning.

No matter where…no matter when.

Whether traveling to warm desert sands or the Dells of Wisconsin, this perfect feeling of belonging to someone transcends time and distance.

Safe travels, my -M-

Shine On…

This is one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs…

And in my humble opinion, her cover does it justice.

“Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.”

Aren’t we all exposed in the light?

Take a minute and listen to this…it IS worth your time.

SHINE ON…

Love Me Tender…(Bond part 3)

Monday’s here.  It was an amazing weekend.

Friday was a journey that began with sticking my toe in the pool and ended with cliff-diving into the unknown waters of submission.

Saturday was about ritual.  It was preparing an altar, myself as the offering.  Giving all.  Pure submission.

Sunday was a reflection of freedom and acceptance.  My own acceptance of the person I am.  The freedom of knowing who I am.

Let’s connect the dots on a bigger scale…

As I take this journey into submission and enlightenment, I find a recurring theme.

We all want to connect.

We all want to trust.

It is fundamental in the lifestyle.  We connect with those who are likeminded.  We seek those who share or complement our interests, our “kinks”.  We want to share with others like ourselves.

And each aspect of the lifestyle revolves around trust.  Ironically similar in the vanilla world.  The difference is we take a much more literal approach in the BDSM existence.  We literally demonstrate trust in the roles we play.

Safe.  Sane. Consensual.

I learned so much in the 6 hours I spent with Mr. Bond.  He is patient and understanding.  He understands how to get his sub to freely submit without intimidation.  He gets the vulnerability.

I found a smidge of vulnerability in him.  During one of our breaks he reflected on the name I chose for him.

“Why do you call me James Bond?”

“Because you are so dashing, Sir.  So in control.  You have the persona”

“Have you read the books, or just watched the movies?”

I had to think about this one.  I recalled reading an early book.

“So you think of me in that way?”

That way?  “What do you mean?”

Sir went on to explain that James Bond’s character was based on a real person who was ruthless in his quest to complete his mission, often killing those who stood in his way.  Far more intense than the character in the movies (especially during the Roger Moore years, I might add).

“He was a ruthless killer.  Is that how you perceive me?”

Interesting.  He wonders how I see him.  Me, the submissive, how I view him….as the consummate Dominant.

“No, Sir.  I see you as the one who truly has it together, is self-assured, self-sufficient and not afraid to push limits.”

There is so much to the D/s dynamic.  So much more than the “rules” of play, or the roles themselves, I am finding that it is also about mutual respect.  It’s about mutual trust.

When our session became acutely intense and I begged Mr. Bond to stop (intentionally not using my safe word) he would say, “Take it for me, little girl.  Say it.  Say, ‘I take it for you, Sir.'”

Sometimes I couldn’t even verbalize the words.  I didn’t feel that I had enough breath in my body left to say anything.

But I would pull myself together and do it.  I would look him in the eye and say, “I take it for you, Sir.”

And after that exchange, I always felt empowered, knowing that Bond had helped me through a limit.  And that I was okay.  I was better because of it.

Applying that to the vanilla world, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone there to help you overcome your fears?  Help you venture out of your comfort zone?

I think those of us in the lifestyle are on to something.

Unfortunately those not in the lifestyle will never understand it.

I must admit…I am a “hot mess” today.  Recovering both physically and mentally from the pure intensity of the weekend.

I am bruised on my arms, neck and chest.  I have actual bite marks all over the back of my neck, my shoulders, my feet and toes.  And I am not sure, but I think Bond may have left his initial on my backside…ever so slightly with his knife.  So hot…

But I do love the reminders.  They represent the limits we surpassed.  Maybe next time Bond will see fit to find some more discreet places to brand me :).  (It is summer.  We live in the South.  No sleeveless or ponytails for me for at least a week)

So Bond, I leave you with this…

If we play together again (and I sincerely hope we do)

Love me Tender, Sir.

I know you already know the words.

Father Figure

As I learn about the D/s lifestyle, I find that there many different flavors of Doms. More flavors than you’ll find at Ben and Jerry’s. Here are a few that stand out to me.
(Disclaimer: I am new to this lifestyle so if I offend anyone by not including their category, I sincerely apologize. Feel free to enlighten me with your comments)

The Sadist/Pain Dom: Aka the “cruel bastard” who wants to cause you pain. But he assures you, you will like and beg for more. Better for the experienced sub. (I have yet to work with a Pain Dom…but I imagine this would be Mr. Bond)

The Sensual Dom: He will help you test your limits in a softer, more controlled way. Utilizing sensory deprivation along with his sub’s response to stimuli, His is a path of exploration. (I would put Sir in this category when he channels his inner Dom. This is also the style of “Father D” see below)

The Bondage Dom: He uses restraint to dominate. These Dom’s have a hint of cruel bastard in them, but are really Boy Scouts at heart. They are focused on the details of the restraint and the level of restraint and they typically hand out punishment, freely. (And although I haven’t named him until now, this is Don “Knots” aka, the hog-tier)

The Daddy Dom: He is the protector. He will use his nurturing spirit to control his sub. Of all of the Dom’s out there, this one can be the most controlling. They are able to sense their sub’s vulnerabilities and always seem to save the day. It’s no wonder they are able to dominate so effectively. They are the perfect blend of discipline and reward and are very much like the Sensual Dom. (This is “Father D”)

PLEASE NOTE: There is another category of Daddy Dom. They are protectors that are exclusively into age-play. Personally, I find it a little unsettling. Not judging, just my opinion.

The Daddy Dom dynamic (those not into age play) leads me to the subject of Father D.

As I was packing for the trip to see the good doctor, I received a message from Father D on alt.com. Like Marky Mark, he had messaged before. In his first message he mentioned that he was from my hometown…where I currently live. I didn’t respond because quite frankly, I prefer to outsource for this type of thing.

But you know I admire certain qualities in a Dom…persistence is high on the list.

PERSISTENCE….STRAIGHTFOWARDNESS……GOOD SPELLING

So we messaged for a while. He was intelligent and witty. And he could spell properly.  (I am not an OCD grammar Nazi, obviously, but I enjoy a person that spells correctly) I liked him already. In our messages I told him that I was packing to go to the island to meet the shrink. He was perplexed that I was driving all that way for a vanilla date.  And I didn’t disclose the doc’s piercing, as I just didn’t find a way to bring it up.

And did I say that Father D was a former cop?  Keeps a mental register of everything. Wonder if I should name him CSI?

He said, “I am coming to the island too”

“Why?” I asked.

“In case you need me. You don’t know this guy. What if he’s psycho? Or worse, what if you have to sit through a miserable date and then stay at his place?”

Great point, little did I know it was a foreshadowing of the date.

And he said, “Whether or not the evening works out, we can meet for breakfast in the morning”

PERSISTENCE….

Thinking of my need to focus spiritually, I tested him and said, “Ok, but you need to find us a church to attend. I need to further my spiritual journey.”

He said, “Great! I will find us a good one and I will see you in the morning, baby girl.”

Baby Girl? That was different, but I kind of liked it.

So we met in the morning. I have punctuality issues (as you know by my other posts…it’s a reoccurring theme.  A certain person I know reading this, would call it SABOTAUGE) so we did not make it to church. But we were able to spend some considerable time getting to know one another.

He was a tall, handsome, charming man. The kind of man that hugs you with his body and soul when he hugs you and he means the hug.

Genuine. Real. Dressed for church. Dashing….

And VERY much a Dom.

I felt small in his arms. I felt protected. I felt safe. (New territory for me.  Scary territory.  Feeds my inner fear-junkie)

He was fascinating. He was well-traveled.  He was successful.

He had been in the lifestyle for many years, and lost his last sub to a car accident three years prior.

He was very clear about what he was looking for:

“I want the blend. A person that I can date in the vanilla world and dominate in the open and in the privacy of the bedroom.”

Now that’s different. I didn’t know how to respond. Most of these encounters are shrouded. They are secret. He wants to be in the open???

He said, “The best way to hide is in plain sight!”

Brilliant, I thought. Why didn’t I think about that myself?

So when it was time for me to get on the road back home to reality, he asked me to walk with him to his car. When we got inside, he pulled a Bluetooth out and handed it to me.

“It’s safer if we talk hands-free. Here’s a Bluetooth for you.”

What? For me? This protector wants nothing more than to protect his baby girl. (Motivation:  So he can spank her later, I assume? 🙂

I would normally reject this type of behavior, because in the open world I am a fierce woman who is self-sufficient. I am a Marine in my head.  I can get my own damned Bluetooth!

But Father D knew me better. He showed me how to wear the earpiece. I couldn’t make it happen (honestly folks, had you seen my hair, you would have understood, it is the beach after all.)

So he moved my hair and fixed it for me. Just like a father would. Then we tested it.

“I want to know you are safe on the road. I will call you in a few minutes, baby girl.” And then he planted a kiss on my lips and reached into my mess of a mane and pulled my hair.

Asserting his dominance. How sublime.

Hidden in the open, just like he said.

Father D is definitely on to something with that.

I’m feeling a childlike excitement about where this is going. Maybe that’s why he calls me, “baby Girl”

But I can also see a glimmer of the cruel bastard in there when he grins.

So I’ll close this post with one of my (many) guilty pleasures.  80’s music.

I will be your Father Figure

Put your tiny hand in mine

I will be your preacher/teacher

Anything you have in mind

And Father D….he’s taking me to church on Sunday.  Details to come…