Love Hangover

I am in a daze today.  After a couple of cups of coffee, I am still groggy.  I haven’t even dressed yet.  I am still in my gown, which I just noticed…is inside out.

I feel hungover.  It’s a love hangover.

Maestro and I have been keeping some late nights lately.  Over the last week there have been several 3:00 am “wake-up” calls.  It’s interesting how you can be physically exhausted and yet mentally energized.

Yesterday, we spent the majority of the day entertaining the kids. It was an all-day affair of going here and there.  They are so full of energy!  After they finally went to bed, we each retreated to our computers to decompress.  Around midnight, M went to bed.  I continued researching information for an article I’m writing for work.  I came to bed around 1:00 am and decided it was my turn to sound the alarm.

I may have sounded the alarm, but he opened the floodgates. I am no good to anyone today.  I am a sleepy, distracted mess of a woman, wearing a mysterious smile on her face. There’s no cure for what I have, but I suspect Maestro has a remedy.  I should probably take a nap.  I have a feeling it will be a long night once again.

Here is what’s playing in my head today…

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Re-Routed

I left off about four months ago.  We were on the cusp of change.  Moving.  Changing jobs.  Relocating our family.  And suddenly our plans changed.

About one week after I wrote my last post, my father died.  I knew it was coming, but didn’t expect him to go as quickly as he did.  I had the time to say what I needed to say to him.  Most of his family visited and he was at peace.  He knew he was loved.

My first day at the new job was delayed by a week, because of his passing.  I work for hospice, so if anyone understands everything that’s involved in dealing with death, hospice does.  They were understanding and even sent flowers to his service.  And then everything changed in a matter of a week, that week I was supposed to have started.

I walked into the office on my first day, and the three people who’d interviewed me were no longer with the company.  My direct manager, the administrator and the regional director.  All gone.  The replacements were of a completely different mindset and had little to no concern for me or anyone else, nor for anything other than our numbers.  It was like walking into a lion’s den.  To make matters worse, I fell walking into a hospital to visit a patient and broke my foot.  I’ve been sequestered to a desk since June, when I typically work in the field.

M’s job was not what it seemed either.  The director of human resources that recruited and hired him, left after his second week on the job.  No one else was designated to train him, so they tucked him away in a corner, watching training videos for three weeks.  There was a complete restructure of his department, and his position changed significantly.  Needless to say, he’s not happy.

The good news in all of this…we never relocated.  It was almost as if God was looking out for us.  We were outbid on the first house we liked and the second one had some major underlying issues, so we retracted our offer.  It seemed there were all these obstacles around us finding a place to live.  I am so thankful.  We hate the commute, but we find ways to make it work while we look for jobs closer to home.

All of this turmoil has left me in a strange place.  I am still grieving over my father.  He and my mother died within 18 months of each other and that’s a lot to process.  I really dislike my job and feel that I am being spiritually led to other ventures.  I need to cultivate a different career path…one that allows me more time with my children and M.  I am happiest when I serve others, and I’ve lost that part of job satisfaction where I am.

So our life has been re-routed.  But we are still strong.  Our family continues to thrive.  And I am ever-grateful to be on this path to ‘whatever comes next’ with my M…even if he won’t stop to ask for directions.  I know he will lead us to where we need to be.  I know he will help me find who I’ve yet to become.  the hunt

(Photo credit, Pinterest)

The Journey Ahead

It has been far too long since I’ve written on here.  Life has become very hectic and my time very limited.  But life is good.  And it gets better every day.

Maestro and I are still growing as a couple.  This past year of living together has been exciting and tumultuous. And scary.  And challenging.  And wonderful.  We are a great match.  We complement each other.  Where I am weak, he is strong.

It is all good…but I really miss the scenes.  Those over-the-top sexual marathons that left us both breathless and sore.  Those weekends where our only goal was to worship each other.  We still connect.  We still play.  He still beats my ass when I am smart-mouthed and defiant.  But with the day-to-day, with the demands of work and kids, we have little time left over for those hedonistic weekends we crave.

But things are looking up.  We are moving to a new city.  M was recruited by a large firm in a neighboring state and has landed a dream job.  For now, he is commuting, but next month…we will all move there.  It’s very exciting.  What is more exciting is that we will be able to reclaim our bedroom.  Our sacred space.  The bossy two-year old is getting her own room (finally) and we will be able to sneeze without the risk of waking her.

I can’t wait to begin this chapter of our lives together.  I have never relocated with anyone before.  I have never packed up the family and moved to another place for work.  It’s a great feeling.  Liberating and secure, all at the same time.  And I cannot wait to have more alone time with M.

More to come…

journey

 

 

Rolling in the Deep…

This won’t be a sexy, metaphorically-laden clever post.  Folks, this is where the sh*t gets real.

We are approaching 4 months since M’s arrival.  For the number people (I happen to be one) That’s 120 days.  That’s 2880 hours.  That’s one third of a year.

And the veneer has worn off.

Yes, we have farted in front of each other.  He has seen me at my best and my worst.  He sees the in between.  He sees through my bullshit.  And occasionally, I feel a tinge of panic…because there’s nowhere for me to hide.  He will reveal me

. He has seen me swell with pride as my oldest graduated from high school, with honors.  He was there when my 7 year old had his art show.  And my 2 year old runs to him first when we both arrive at daycare to pick her up.  I am His.  He is mine.  And the kids are morphing into ours.  We are a family.  A happy family.

He is here when I fall apart…I lost my job of 6 years due to a major shift in budget.  He was here to help pick me up, reassuring me that all would work out.  Reminding me that we will be fine.

He is by my side as I watch my father’s health deteriorate.  We put him on hospice this week.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to face.   And I am not alone in the journey…he is here.  Leading me as my protector.

And in the midst of this chaos, he is my strength.  He helps me unpack the years of baggage I carry with me.  My burden is lighter because he works me through my issues.  (I sometimes feel like he needs to bill me for a copay)

beautiful

This is the beauty of a strong relationship.  This is the epitome of D/s.  It’s not the kink.  It’s not the scenes.  (Those are wonderful and have their purpose.) But this where we go deeper.  This is where I give all to my M and he gives me sanctuary.  This is where we grow. We have a long way to go, but I will say that we walk the road together.  And when I want to run and hide…when I want to forge ahead, or lag behind….he reminds me of who I am.

I am HIS… I belong to Him, and He’s got this.

walls

(Quotes from Pinterest) 

The River Wild

rafting

Maestro and I took a little sojourn yesterday. White water rafting through some tumultuous “rapids”. It was another of our spontaneous trips. No planning or notice. No time to pack. No need for anything.

We never even left the bed.

As M entered my raft, it was obvious that he was to be my guide for the evening. He was adept at navigating the rough waters ahead. He was in total control.  He led me into the river, maneuvering towards the first set of rapids.  The wetness was all around and I could tell the waves were increasing in intensity.  I decided to assist my guide by grabbing his oar and paddling toward the first part of our expedition.  He was appreciative of my attention to detail, showing me how best to steer.

The waves lapped over the raft again and again.  The intensity continued to build and his skilled maneuvers took me straight into another set of rapids.  These were even more intense and I found myself soaked.  The rush was incredible and he could see that I was ready for more.  He navigated the raft with sharp expertise, changing direction to yet another set of rapids.  These were so fierce…so consuming that we both ended up drenched.

We never capsized.  M kept the raft afloat and each set of rapids proved more powerful than the ones before.  I was eager to go farther each time.  I wanted more, and the way he maneuvered the raft in perfect direction, gave me the ride of my life.

At the end of our lengthy expedition I was parched and only he could quench my thirst.  After drinking my fill, he guided me out of the river and we basked on the shore…both of us spent and energized at the same time.  Quietly lying there, recollecting the journey we had taken.

As I adjusted my pillow and rolled over to spoon into his form, I smiled to myself.

Wonder where our next trip will be?

 

Stretched

very stretched and far fetched his mind had become.. .

Each and every day brings new experiences for me as I fall deeper and deeper in love with M.  I never thought I could really get what I wanted.  I was always prepared to give something up to get something else.  I no longer have to do that.  He is a complete person, a man in every sense of the word…who fulfills what I need and want .  And each day that passes teaches me something more.  More about him.  More about our dynamic.  More about being a parent.  More about being HIS.  He tests me on every level, because he knows I am capable of handling it.

Every day I am stretched (sometimes literally) or metaphorically speaking.

And each day I am thankful to have found my One.