Faith, Restored…

Restored….

Things are much better now. I’ve had a trying start to 2015. I didn’t realize how much I’d distanced myself from everyone, especially Maestro. I guess it’s how I cope. Instead of reaching out to him for help, for support…I pushed him farther and farther away. My last post was my way of reaching out and initially, he didn’t take it well. I can certainly understand his perspective. Instead of just telling him how much I was hurting, I turned away from him and turned to my writing.

He was hurt that I didn’t open up to him, but being the strong man he is…he was able to put his own feelings aside and focus on me.  We talked for hours.  He helped me through the darkness I was feeling.  He helped me identify my triggers.  He helped me understand his triggers.  And at the end of our conversation, a talk that lasted into the wee hours of Friday morning, he made an announcement.

“I am coming up this weekend. I need to see you.”

We were planning a visit for Valentine’s weekend, so this was an exciting surprise.  At first, I worried that he would not be able to visit two weeks in a row.  It is a 7-hour drive, one way, after all.  But he was undeterred by time or distance.  He still planned to be here for Valentines, but he wanted to make sure I was okay.  He wanted to be there for me.  He wanted to make sure “we” were okay.  And being a man of his word…

At 1:15 am, Saturday morning, my Maestro was here.

One I saw him, everything was okay.  I immediately felt the protection and support I needed just by his presence.  We had a great weekend…quiet and relaxing.  And he is so good with my kids.  He understands how challenging it is for me to give them all of the attention they need, while trying to work and keep the house, and care for my father.  So he senses where I need the support and jumps in to help.  He keeps me calm and grounded when things become chaotic.

And he also knows how to give me the release I so badly need.  And in my recent stressed state, he understood just how far to push me, without going too far.  He knows what I need.

We are stronger than ever.  This was our first real challenge.  When I was falling he came to the rescue and caught me in those big strong arms of his.  When my problems were too much, he carried me.  When we began drifting apart, he closed the distance between us and showed up on my doorstep.

When I began to doubt everything, he restored my faith.

I learned from this experience…I learned that I need to trust his strength.  Trust his judgement.  And most of all, trust him to be the man I know he is.  The One who can handle it all.  The One who holds my fragile heart in his strong and worthy hands.

All my love to you, M.  See you again soon.  

Giving and Receiving…

The alarm was harsh and direct….

Wearily, I picked up my phone to silence its interruption at 4:15 am.

And then it hit me…

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!!

On 12/13/14, I boarded a plane at 6:00 am and flew to see my Maestro.  As sleepy as I felt, the adrenaline quickly relieved me of the need for coffee, and I found myself focused and in the zone.  I arrived in the Sunshine state less than 3 hours later.  The weather was perfect and there were palm trees lining the concourse.  I immediately felt like I was on vacation.

I found him in the airport, waiting for me under a large Christmas tree…just like the gift he is in my life.

Once we kissed, I realized that I had finally arrived at my destination.

Not a place….but a state of mind.  Wherever he is…is home for me.

We ate breakfast and were lucky to get an early check-in at the hotel.  I thought we would take some time to nap, since we were both awake so early.  But there was no rest for the weary….

Maestro had a much different agenda.

After hours of play, I found I was no longer tired.  I felt energized and alive.  There is something about this man…he can wreck a well put-together hairdo in about 10 minutes, changing it from Playboy bunny hair to Medusa.

The things he does to me.

The way he controls me…

The way he pleasures me….

The way he takes me. 

Shortly after high noon, I was walking like I was a dancer in a Beyonce video.  (Cue “All the Single Ladies…”)

We had a perfect day.  Lots of sex.  Great conversation.  Great food.  Good times!  But by 10:00 pm, we were both beyond exhausted and fell asleep.

I love waking up next to him.  Feeling him watch me as I sleep.  Looking into his eyes and knowing what he wants me to do.  Knowing this, only by his look.  There are no words needed between us.

There is nothing like full submission to Maestro.  Giving in and giving all.

All for him.

Giving it all and expecting nothing in return…but getting more than I ever dreamed possible .

The way he makes me feel is a gift.  By submitting and letting go, I am able to experience freedom.  I can be myself and be accepted.  I can be a woman again…not someone’s mom….not someone’s daughter…a real, warm-blooded, wanton, sexual being.  Asking for whatever I crave, knowing he will not judge my requests. Knowing that as he violates me, he still honors me…and treats me like a queen…always giving me pleasure beyond pleasure with the degree of kink and Dominance I love….with plenty of spankings for this naughty girl.

After all, it was our birthday weekend…spankings are in order, right?

Uh..oh

Oh…oh…oh….OH!!!

 

Re-Birth Birthday

Maestro and I share December birthdays. Mine is this coming Monday, his is later in the month. So, we hatched a plan. Why not plan a getaway to see each other in between our special days, to celebrate?

In less than 10 days, we will be together again! I can hardly wait…

Next Saturday, Mary Poppins comes to stay with the kiddos, and I board a plane at “oh-six-hundred” to see my Maestro.
I can’t think of a better gift than to be able to spend time with him. Kid-free. Relaxed. In the moment.
Together.

This year, I find that my birthday is like a re-birth of sorts. Finding myself. Enjoying the gift of true love. Giving myself to him. Letting go of control.

It’s a gift of self-acceptance.

Thanks to the One, that in his wisdom and guidance has illuminated the way…leaving the candles on the birthday cake to burn a bit longer so that I may clearly see what’s in front of me…

Knowing that I don’t have to close my eyes and make a wish when I blow out the candles.

Because my wish has already come true.

COUNTDOWN IS ON!!!

Leftovers in the Kitchen…

I was gathering the containers of leftovers to make us a snack when I heard…

“Place your hands on the counter, like this” He pointed to two specific places on the kitchen counter.

I followed his instruction without hesitation, as there was a tone to his voice.  I placed my hands exactly where he told me.

“Good.  That’s right.  Now, don’t move them.”

The light of the open refrigerator illuminated the kitchen.  I could feel the warmth of him standing close behind me, contemplating his next move.  I could also feel the chill from the fridge on my right side.

“Bend for me and open your legs.  Remember…you must keep your hands on the counter as I instructed you.”

I arched my back and opened my legs, as he told me to.  Through my pajamas, i could feel his hand caress the insides of my open thighs, moving to the small of my back, across my backside.  He pulled my bottoms down and probed for the place he sought.

Having to keep my hands on the counter began to pose a challenge for me.  Keeping my composure became a challenge for me also, as the little ones were asleep.

He found what he sought and began his relentless pursuit of my climax.  I was overcome with pleasure and desperately tried to stay quiet, while keeping my hands in position.  I felt my legs shaking and it was all I could do to hold this position.

He pressed himself closer to my body and with his free hand, he covered my mouth.  This simple gesture sent me into a state of oblivion.  The control…the dominance…the fact that his hand could strategically muffle my increasingly loud moans and screams…all of this instantly caused me to have one of the most prolific orgasms of my existence.  Right there…in the kitchen.

And yes, the refrigerator was still open.

And no, I didn’t manage to hold the position with my hands on the counter.  Lucky for me, he didn’t object at that point.  We forgot about the leftovers and made our way to the bedroom.

I was putty in his hands at this point and with one hand on my throat and the other placed between my legs, he ravaged me again.  And again.  And again.

I regained my composure when he whispered, “Did you like that?  Ahhhh….I know you did.  You were a very good girl.  Now, I want you to please me.  Take me deep in your mouth and give your Master what he wants.”

The sound of his voice in my ear almost took me to oblivion again.  I eagerly began my service of worship. His body was my temple and I showed my true and utmost devotion to him as I explored my shrine, consuming his warm nectar.

We eventually collapsed into each others arms and woke at first light.  I slept so peacefully knowing he was there next to me.  Knowing that I belong to him.  Knowing that I am loved, protected and led by such a perfect man.  The One I searched for.  The One I waited for.

The One I prayed for.

I am forever grateful for this gift I have been given.  Thanksgiving was a different holiday for me this year.  It was more meaningful.  More authentic.  (And a bit more kinky…)

I have a feeling that everything will be different from now on.

Now that I have my Maestro.

You make me feel so divine

Your soul and mine are entwined

Before you I was blind

Patience

It has been 40 days since I have seen my Maestro. But He is coming to spend Thanksgiving with me and my family.  I cannot wait for Him to get here next week.  He has been traveling for work for a month now, spending considerable time in the Midwest.

This Southern girl can’t wait for Him to darken her door so that she may show Him proper Southern hospitality.

In the meantime, our talks have taken on a deeper significance.  There is something to be learned from long distance relationships. Although we are not in each other’s presence, the depth of our connection continues to grow.  I find myself sharing everything with Him, a new phenomenon for me.  Not keeping anything from Him.  Telling Him my thoughts…my struggles…my insecurities…and also sharing the good stuff, the silly stuff, the boring stuff and (of course) the naughty stuff.

Yesterday, in the middle of the day, via text, I shared a scenario that was on my mind.  It was a bit detailed and it was very “involved” and very naughty.  I won’t share the specifics, but use your kinky imagination.  Your very kinky and creative imagination…

Maestro replied with this:

“I like your naughty thoughts and I like where you went with this. There is no doubt in my head that this scenario will play itself out sometime in our future…There will be things that I will do to you that will make this seem tame and will pale in comparison.  But everything in its own time and place…The taking of you will be slow and sweet.  Have no doubt about that.”

I was in the grocery store when I received His reply.  In the frozen foods section.  I found myself blushing as I read it, despite the chill from the freezers surrounding both sides of me.

And I totally forgot why I had ventured down that aisle in the first place.

The Man knows how to get my attention.  From thousands of miles away.

I found myself reading the message a few times more…each time I read it, it made me more impatient to see Him.  To be in His presence.  To feel His arms around me.

Sigh….

Guess I need to be patient.  Not a strength of mine.  But I am learning…it’s part of this wonderful journey.

Said, woman, take it slow
And it’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we’ll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
Patience

Faith

What is faith anyway?

I am not speaking from a religious place, but rather a spiritual place.

So faith…what is it?

Using traditional religion as an example, isn’t faith defined as believing in something but having no tangible proof of its existence?

The skeptic in me always wants proof.  Always wants to see the data.

Always wants to…

Over-analyze

Over-think

Question

Doubt

That is just my nature.

Optimists see the glass half-full.  Pessimists see it half-empty.  Realists see it as a half a glass of water.

And the skeptics…We say, “I don’t even know if that’s really water.”

So how does this skeptic learn to believe?

Maestro and I were talking last night and he brought up my post from yesterday, The Struggle.  He said He sensed some anxiety from me after reading it.  That maybe I was skeptical of this beautiful thing we have together.

His response to that skeptical line of thought….

To continue being Himself.

To continue to believe in what we have.  To have faith in us.

I was taken in by this rationale.

He continued, “I know what we have.  I have no doubt that you are the person I want to grow old with, that you are the one person for me.  I know it.  I believe in it.  I am willing to put the effort into this.  To not give up.  To be whatever you need.  To give you the space to process when you feel skeptical.  I am not going anywhere.  Do you know why?  Because, I love you.  But most importantly, I believe in us.”

I was silent.  Overcome with emotion.

At that moment…at that very moment Maestro taught me the concept of faith.  Through all of my years in Sunday school.  All of my years of believing in God and Jesus and Santa Claus, I never fully understood what it meant to have faith.

Now I get it.

And here’s what I gleaned from our conversation.

I believe in us too.

And Maestro is teaching me, guiding me back on the path to spiritual enlightenment.  He is bringing me to this new place in me that I am learning to call home.

For now, our home isn’t a tangible place.  It’s our faith in who we are together.

The Struggle

I am in deep.

Can’t touch the bottom.

The water feels great, but I have moments of panic and anxiety.

What if I can’t swim all the way to shore?

Intermittently, I float.  Feeling the weightlessness of letting go of myself.

But still, the thought of being in waters so deep, scares me.

I begin to swim towards shore and realize just how far it is.

I think I can make it back there.

But yet, I don’t want to get out of the water.

And I realize it’s not the water that scares me…

The only thing I am afraid of is myself.

I don’t know who I am any longer.

I haven’t really changed on the outside.  I am still in control of my day-to-day.  Still the strong, confident woman at work.  Still the mom who juggles it all.  Still the caregiver to my parents.

But this other side of me…my submissive self.  I find that I am in unchartered waters.

Prior to Maestro, I have only swam laps in the pool of submission.  Meaning, my only real experience is with scenes and play dates.

Now I am in a large, beautiful lake of D/s…

No defined place to swim laps.

No defined shallow-end.

No warnings for the deep-end.

Undefined edges at the shore.

And I find myself swimming towards the middle of the lake.

Heading towards a 24/7 dynamic.

I worry that I am not that good of a swimmer.

Do I have the endurance?

And then He quiets my mind and my worries.

He knows my struggle to stay afloat in these deep waters.

He acts as my raft.  My safety.

But I still struggle.  Splashing and kicking. Keeping a watchful eye on the shore.

When I should just let go

And float…

Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground

And you may ask yourself
Am I right?…Am I wrong?
And you may say to yourself yourself
My God!…What have I done?!