Re-Routed

I left off about four months ago.  We were on the cusp of change.  Moving.  Changing jobs.  Relocating our family.  And suddenly our plans changed.

About one week after I wrote my last post, my father died.  I knew it was coming, but didn’t expect him to go as quickly as he did.  I had the time to say what I needed to say to him.  Most of his family visited and he was at peace.  He knew he was loved.

My first day at the new job was delayed by a week, because of his passing.  I work for hospice, so if anyone understands everything that’s involved in dealing with death, hospice does.  They were understanding and even sent flowers to his service.  And then everything changed in a matter of a week, that week I was supposed to have started.

I walked into the office on my first day, and the three people who’d interviewed me were no longer with the company.  My direct manager, the administrator and the regional director.  All gone.  The replacements were of a completely different mindset and had little to no concern for me or anyone else, nor for anything other than our numbers.  It was like walking into a lion’s den.  To make matters worse, I fell walking into a hospital to visit a patient and broke my foot.  I’ve been sequestered to a desk since June, when I typically work in the field.

M’s job was not what it seemed either.  The director of human resources that recruited and hired him, left after his second week on the job.  No one else was designated to train him, so they tucked him away in a corner, watching training videos for three weeks.  There was a complete restructure of his department, and his position changed significantly.  Needless to say, he’s not happy.

The good news in all of this…we never relocated.  It was almost as if God was looking out for us.  We were outbid on the first house we liked and the second one had some major underlying issues, so we retracted our offer.  It seemed there were all these obstacles around us finding a place to live.  I am so thankful.  We hate the commute, but we find ways to make it work while we look for jobs closer to home.

All of this turmoil has left me in a strange place.  I am still grieving over my father.  He and my mother died within 18 months of each other and that’s a lot to process.  I really dislike my job and feel that I am being spiritually led to other ventures.  I need to cultivate a different career path…one that allows me more time with my children and M.  I am happiest when I serve others, and I’ve lost that part of job satisfaction where I am.

So our life has been re-routed.  But we are still strong.  Our family continues to thrive.  And I am ever-grateful to be on this path to ‘whatever comes next’ with my M…even if he won’t stop to ask for directions.  I know he will lead us to where we need to be.  I know he will help me find who I’ve yet to become.  the hunt

(Photo credit, Pinterest)

Here to Stay

car

Our time apart was brief. It was simply a time to breathe and account for where we are in our lives.  Who we are.

Where we are as a couple. And where we want to go.

The windshield is clean, our path is clear and laid out in front of us. He remains in the driver’s seat and I am his loyal passenger as we drive off into the sunset…into this next phase of us. No big life events planned. It’s just that we have now experienced what life would be like apart, and neither of us wants that.

When he arrived home, things were a little awkward. We were friendly and affectionate, but there was a formality. A hesitancy in the mood. I think we were both shell-shocked from the time apart and we felt weary and worn. Also, he didn’t arrive until 2:00 am, after an 8-hour drive. We were both exhausted. We talked for a bit and retired to bed.

I was drifting off to sleep when he leaned over and kissed me. I opened my eyes and found him watching me as I dosed. He kissed me again. His mouth tasted divine and my lips felt like a magnet, drawing towards his. We didn’t talk. We just kissed each other for a long time. Soft sweet kisses. Open passionate kisses. Slowly kissing. Taking it all in.

I found myself aroused by his mouth. I couldn’t get enough of his lips on mine. Feeling his tongue explore mine. The sweet taste. My mouth watered for more. My body salivated for his touch.

He pulled me to him and we began to make love. His touch felt so good on my skin and even better on my soul. His love penetrated me so deeply that I could feel my heart bleeding for him. For us. Each movement was affirmation that there is not another human being in this universe made for me, as he is. This connection. This depth is something that I was destined to have with my One.

My orgasms were swift and powerful and profoundly meaningful. I found myself, once again, shedding my layers for him. Revealing myself…more of myself. Giving all to him as it should be. I was so overwhelmed with pleasure and joy that I began to weep. Releasing everything as I laid my head on his chest. He breathed me in with each breath and exhaled himself, filling me with the air I need to thrive.

Afterwards, I reflected on our beautiful session, thinking about how amazing he is. How good we are together. And I realized the reason why we are so attuned to each other. I figured out how it is that every time, over a year into this, the sex is mind-blowing, existential and powerful. It our connection and it is our selfless love of each other. Each of us puts the other first…their needs and desires. There is no hidden agenda of me “getting mine” or him “getting his.” It is absolute selfless love and focus on the other person. We demonstrate this in how we make love. And we demonstrate this selflessness in our relationship. Always putting the other first.

This is what a real relationship looks like. A first for me. This is a healthy, happy place that I share with my M who makes it a reality. His love and adoration of me, gives me permission and acceptance to finally love myself. And this love allows me to give him all that I am. It’s a beautiful exchange.

Welcome home, M. Our love is here to stay.

The “OG”

So a couple of posts back I wrote about the connection with the surname, “Gray/Grey” and the connotation behind the characters.  Seems I overlooked one very important character.

Dorian Gray, the OG (Original Gray).

How could I forget the infamous hedonist who sold his soul to keep his beauty and youth?

It was the only novel written by Oscar Wilde and it was not well -received in Victorian London.  With its themes of hedonism and homoeroticism, the criticisms of the novel were harsh and dismissive.  It caused quite a scandal in those times.  (I wonder how it would fare today.  I wonder if it would be displayed near the impulse items at Target, just like the new Grey book.  Hmmmm….)

Here’s an interesting fact.  The book, The Picture of Dorian Gray, was actually based on a real character, a “friend” of Oscar Wilde’s named, John Gray.  And Wilde only changed the first name…not protecting the identity of the not-so-innocent, Gray.  Being an avid researcher, I found the truth behind this tale is actually stranger than fiction.  I never saw this coming.

the og

Here’s a synopsis/comparison of the two Grays:

Dorian was described as beautiful and breathtaking. John was described as an “Adonis” of a man.

Dorian was wealthy and traveled in high social circles.  John was of the middle-class, in south-east London.

Both characters led a decadent lifestyle, seeking pleasure with full abandon.

Dorian Gray ultimately kills himself by stabbing his decaying portrait, which in turn becomes him in the flesh and he dies.

For a brief time, John Gray enjoys the infamy of his doppleganger, Dorian, and it is reported that he actually began signing his name, Dorian.  He then repents, leaving his Decadent Movement affiliations behind in London, goes to Rome and eventually is ordained as a priest.

WHAT????

Yes, this is how the story…the true story…goes.  In summary….one of Oscar Wilde’s lovers is so handsome that he writes about him and his hedonistic lifestyle in a novel, not changing the last name.  Said lover enjoys the infamy and then has a complete about-face, and repents.  But he is not satisfied to merely repent from his days of debauchery…Instead he packs up, moves to Rome and spends years becoming a priest.

To tie things up (no bondage reference intended) it seems that the real John Gray, was aptly named.  He embraced his darkness for part of his life and then turned towards the light. Making him, his life…its own shade of gray.

And ladies and gentlemen, that’s why he’s the real OG.

Opening the Windows

Yes!  Finally! Spring has arrived in my town. The kids are back in school.  The Masters’ patrons have all returned home and the thick yellow pollen has began to subside. The weather is warm and the feel in the house is warmer from the temperature outside and also because M is here permanently.  We are blending into a very happy and contented family.

I realized today, that it’s time to open the windows.

Not literally, but as we progress…as our bond deepens, I am beginning to understand that it’s time for me to fully reveal myself.  Not that I have been holding back, but there are things I need to release…M already knows this, but I recently had one of my epiphanies that enlightened me.

I enjoy the dense anticipation leading up to a well-orchestrated scene.  I love the planning.  I love the preparation.  I love how I envision the scenario.  I love the rush of it all.  And equally, I love Maestro’s spontaneity.  When I least expect it.  When I am not prepared, he brings an afternoon filled with carnal pleasure that makes me a blubbering mess.

Literally.

So I will get a little personal here, but I am one of those lucky gals who is able to orgasm easily and frequently.  I find that each time I go there, I lose myself in the moment and shift into a state of hedonistic debauchery.  Maestro knows every inch of my body and how to make me writhe and shake with delight in a mere matter of minutes.  Today, he took me to a place I’d never ventured before.  It was like subspace, but far more primal.  I found myself glazed over, breathing like a wild animal, staring deeply into his eyes.  I was so overcome by the beast within me, that I was no longer my civilized self.  And at that moment, in it’s intensity, I began to weep.

With Maestro, I find that I do cry from our more consuming exchanges together.  It usually happens after I venture into subspace, and it’s a beautiful release.

Today was different.

Today, the tears felt more intentional.  They were a layer I was shedding, like an animal sheds its winter coat in the warmth of spring.  It was a place of pure vulnerability.  I felt it.  He felt it.  And when I tried to retreat and nuzzle into his chest, he held my face and said, “No.  Don’t hide.  Look at me.”

I tried to look away, but he held my face with a tender firmness that demanded my attention.  So we stared into each others eyes.  The human and the wild animal, sharing an unspoken trust.  Sharing a new level of our life together. And the tears…they fell…one by one…neither of us trying to wipe them away.  Both of us so focused on each other that it was a moment that I will never forget.  The feeling, like a hunter capturing his prey.  His prey could have tried to escape, but chose to stay…in the moment.  Chose to let him have her.

I realized once the beast within retreated and I fell back into my civilized self, that I had just opened my windows. My soul was aching to come out.  I knew that in that moment, I felt and revealed a part of my soul that had been hibernating for far too long.  The winter of my life is officially over.  Spring is here.

And my windows are open.

open window

At a Loss…

closer please

I am at a loss for words…

And yet I sit here, trying to share with you what I experienced this weekend.  Trying to figure out a way to put it out there in words that can be understood.

And even I don’t fully understand it.

Maestro arrived at 5:07 am on Saturday morning.  He decided to sleep for a while after work before making the drive to me, putting him here before daybreak.  Things were different from the beginning.  There was a different feel to his arrival.  It didn’t feel like he was coming for a visit.

It felt like he was coming home.

And after such a long and tedious drive through the night, he was ready for bed.  Or so I thought…

By 6:34 am, I’d had so many orgasms that I felt lightheaded.  Each one was more intense than the previous one.  The freshly laundered sheets were muddled in a matter of minutes and Maestro was intent on pushing further.

With his hand firmly grasping my throat, he growled, “I am not finished using you yet.”

And he carried on with his intent.  Pushing me.  Extracting ecstasy at every move.  I was almost in a state of bewilderment, almost at my limit, when he relented and allowed me respite…giving me the opportunity to please him…to worship him.

We got little sleep and the kids were up very early.  They were excited to see M.  They adore him. We spent the majority of the day playing with them…and the babysitter arrived.  We decided to grab an early dinner.  I could tell Maestro was thinking about something, I could sense it.  As we ate, he said, “I am coming here to stay.  No more traveling back and forth.  This is where I want to be.  I have a job offer and it’s time to make the change.”

I was shocked.  We had been talking about his relocation, with a projected time frame for the summer.  So this was sudden and I was beyond happy.  I need this man, this wonderful man, in my life daily…I need to be in his presence, daily.

So we sat there and planned.  And he will be here this weekend.  This is REALLY happening!

Looking back at the inception of this blog, of my journey at that time…I could have never dreamed that this would happen.  I never dreamed that I would ever find the happiness, as I have with him.  I never knew I could have the whole enchilada…have my cake and savor it too…

Think about it…I have been blessed with a man who loves and adores me.

And I love and adore him.

He loves my kids.

My kids love him.

He loves and accepts my family (my ailing father).

My family LOVES him.

He is able to fulfill my mind (not easy, I am an over-analytical, people pleaser)

He is able to lead and protect me.

He is able to take me to places I’ve never been.

He allows me to be my wickedly kinky self (as he is also wickedly kinky, even more than me).

And here we go…

My Master, as I am His…His slave.

He owns me, saying I am His most precious possession.

And we are about to embark on this crazy journey together as One.

So again, I am at a loss… a loss of what to say… a loss of the mess I was before.

Looking forward to who I have become.  Who I will become…

As we become One.

one day

 

Don’t Believe the 50 Shades of Hype…

Since the title of my blog is derived from the infamous book, Fifty Shades of Grey, I feel compelled to wax poetic about the upcoming movie, scheduled for release this weekend.

So here goes….

Quite frankly, I am growing tired of the hype surrounding the movie.  The question of rating.  The reference to “unusual behavior”. The constant barrage of trailers and previews.  And it all comes down to this, in my humble…submissive opinion.

It’s all a marketing ploy…

After all, while shopping for diapers, shampoo and beauty products at my favorite place, Target, I discovered that I can buy a “Fifty Shades of Grey” Starter Kit.  WHAT?  Yes..they exist.  There are different kits.  One comes with two blindfolds (I snickered to myself in the store, thinking that would be one hell of a game of blind-man’s-bluff) along with the obligatory massage oil.  The other kit has some form of sensual lubricant.  And they retail for about $20.00.  And just in time for Valentine’s Day, right?

So what’s all the hype about?  If you take away the kink, it’s just a story.  A contrived, unbelievable tale about a young, innocent woman who is seduced by a billionaire …who falls head over flogger in love with her.  Quite simply, in it’s skeletal form, it’s just a love story…complete with pages of playful email banter, tactile family dinners and grown-up sleepovers, with  explicit playrooms.  But because there is bondage.  Because there is a well-defined, consensual power-exchange, there exists this cloud of dark mystique.

Here’s another tidbit from my humble, submissive opinion:

Yes, it was the hot sex scenes that initially drew in the masses, causing a buzz louder than an archaic Hitachi Wand…but it’s the story of love that hooked the reader.  We all want to believe in it.  We all want someone who understands us.  We all want someone whose demons play well with our demons, right?  Well there you go…he’s a young executive with a troubled past, who happens to be a Dominant.  She is a wide-eyed, new college grad, who happens to be a submissive.  His need for discipline and control plays well with her need for direction and guidance.

And have you heard that one of the CEO’s from a major hardware chain sent a memo to several stores warning of a possible “run” on rope, in response to the movie.  Really?  And if that’s true, let’s hope they are giving away complementary safety cutters.  There are going to be a lot of novices out there…fired up from the movie…excited to duplicate the BDSM scenes from the dungeon.  And again, all of this just in time for Valentines Day.

Can you imagine what the conversation will be around the water cooler on Monday?  Wonder if the ladies will compare rope burns and dish about their marked bottoms…

And please know that my intention is not to be snarky…or cynical in this post.  I am shooting straight from my leather-clad hip.  It’s a book…that’s now a movie…that’s now a franchise…that will ride the wave of notoriety for as long as possible.  Ten years from now those “kits” will be yard sale fodder and we will look back at this phenomenon fondly, grinning to ourselves…sadistically.

As for me…and my Valentine.  We won’t be lining up at the movie theater.  Nor will we be lined up at the hardware store.  We are well-stocked over here with an assortment of accouterments that would make the man, Christian Grey, himself… blush.  We are not even going out in all of the Hallmark madness. We are simply celebrating each other…

Letting our demons come out to play together.

Faith, Restored…

Restored….

Things are much better now. I’ve had a trying start to 2015. I didn’t realize how much I’d distanced myself from everyone, especially Maestro. I guess it’s how I cope. Instead of reaching out to him for help, for support…I pushed him farther and farther away. My last post was my way of reaching out and initially, he didn’t take it well. I can certainly understand his perspective. Instead of just telling him how much I was hurting, I turned away from him and turned to my writing.

He was hurt that I didn’t open up to him, but being the strong man he is…he was able to put his own feelings aside and focus on me.  We talked for hours.  He helped me through the darkness I was feeling.  He helped me identify my triggers.  He helped me understand his triggers.  And at the end of our conversation, a talk that lasted into the wee hours of Friday morning, he made an announcement.

“I am coming up this weekend. I need to see you.”

We were planning a visit for Valentine’s weekend, so this was an exciting surprise.  At first, I worried that he would not be able to visit two weeks in a row.  It is a 7-hour drive, one way, after all.  But he was undeterred by time or distance.  He still planned to be here for Valentines, but he wanted to make sure I was okay.  He wanted to be there for me.  He wanted to make sure “we” were okay.  And being a man of his word…

At 1:15 am, Saturday morning, my Maestro was here.

One I saw him, everything was okay.  I immediately felt the protection and support I needed just by his presence.  We had a great weekend…quiet and relaxing.  And he is so good with my kids.  He understands how challenging it is for me to give them all of the attention they need, while trying to work and keep the house, and care for my father.  So he senses where I need the support and jumps in to help.  He keeps me calm and grounded when things become chaotic.

And he also knows how to give me the release I so badly need.  And in my recent stressed state, he understood just how far to push me, without going too far.  He knows what I need.

We are stronger than ever.  This was our first real challenge.  When I was falling he came to the rescue and caught me in those big strong arms of his.  When my problems were too much, he carried me.  When we began drifting apart, he closed the distance between us and showed up on my doorstep.

When I began to doubt everything, he restored my faith.

I learned from this experience…I learned that I need to trust his strength.  Trust his judgement.  And most of all, trust him to be the man I know he is.  The One who can handle it all.  The One who holds my fragile heart in his strong and worthy hands.

All my love to you, M.  See you again soon.  

Giving and Receiving…

The alarm was harsh and direct….

Wearily, I picked up my phone to silence its interruption at 4:15 am.

And then it hit me…

TODAY IS THE DAY!!!!

On 12/13/14, I boarded a plane at 6:00 am and flew to see my Maestro.  As sleepy as I felt, the adrenaline quickly relieved me of the need for coffee, and I found myself focused and in the zone.  I arrived in the Sunshine state less than 3 hours later.  The weather was perfect and there were palm trees lining the concourse.  I immediately felt like I was on vacation.

I found him in the airport, waiting for me under a large Christmas tree…just like the gift he is in my life.

Once we kissed, I realized that I had finally arrived at my destination.

Not a place….but a state of mind.  Wherever he is…is home for me.

We ate breakfast and were lucky to get an early check-in at the hotel.  I thought we would take some time to nap, since we were both awake so early.  But there was no rest for the weary….

Maestro had a much different agenda.

After hours of play, I found I was no longer tired.  I felt energized and alive.  There is something about this man…he can wreck a well put-together hairdo in about 10 minutes, changing it from Playboy bunny hair to Medusa.

The things he does to me.

The way he controls me…

The way he pleasures me….

The way he takes me. 

Shortly after high noon, I was walking like I was a dancer in a Beyonce video.  (Cue “All the Single Ladies…”)

We had a perfect day.  Lots of sex.  Great conversation.  Great food.  Good times!  But by 10:00 pm, we were both beyond exhausted and fell asleep.

I love waking up next to him.  Feeling him watch me as I sleep.  Looking into his eyes and knowing what he wants me to do.  Knowing this, only by his look.  There are no words needed between us.

There is nothing like full submission to Maestro.  Giving in and giving all.

All for him.

Giving it all and expecting nothing in return…but getting more than I ever dreamed possible .

The way he makes me feel is a gift.  By submitting and letting go, I am able to experience freedom.  I can be myself and be accepted.  I can be a woman again…not someone’s mom….not someone’s daughter…a real, warm-blooded, wanton, sexual being.  Asking for whatever I crave, knowing he will not judge my requests. Knowing that as he violates me, he still honors me…and treats me like a queen…always giving me pleasure beyond pleasure with the degree of kink and Dominance I love….with plenty of spankings for this naughty girl.

After all, it was our birthday weekend…spankings are in order, right?

Uh..oh

Oh…oh…oh….OH!!!

 

Re-Birth Birthday

Maestro and I share December birthdays. Mine is this coming Monday, his is later in the month. So, we hatched a plan. Why not plan a getaway to see each other in between our special days, to celebrate?

In less than 10 days, we will be together again! I can hardly wait…

Next Saturday, Mary Poppins comes to stay with the kiddos, and I board a plane at “oh-six-hundred” to see my Maestro.
I can’t think of a better gift than to be able to spend time with him. Kid-free. Relaxed. In the moment.
Together.

This year, I find that my birthday is like a re-birth of sorts. Finding myself. Enjoying the gift of true love. Giving myself to him. Letting go of control.

It’s a gift of self-acceptance.

Thanks to the One, that in his wisdom and guidance has illuminated the way…leaving the candles on the birthday cake to burn a bit longer so that I may clearly see what’s in front of me…

Knowing that I don’t have to close my eyes and make a wish when I blow out the candles.

Because my wish has already come true.

COUNTDOWN IS ON!!!