The Struggle

I am in deep.

Can’t touch the bottom.

The water feels great, but I have moments of panic and anxiety.

What if I can’t swim all the way to shore?

Intermittently, I float.  Feeling the weightlessness of letting go of myself.

But still, the thought of being in waters so deep, scares me.

I begin to swim towards shore and realize just how far it is.

I think I can make it back there.

But yet, I don’t want to get out of the water.

And I realize it’s not the water that scares me…

The only thing I am afraid of is myself.

I don’t know who I am any longer.

I haven’t really changed on the outside.  I am still in control of my day-to-day.  Still the strong, confident woman at work.  Still the mom who juggles it all.  Still the caregiver to my parents.

But this other side of me…my submissive self.  I find that I am in unchartered waters.

Prior to Maestro, I have only swam laps in the pool of submission.  Meaning, my only real experience is with scenes and play dates.

Now I am in a large, beautiful lake of D/s…

No defined place to swim laps.

No defined shallow-end.

No warnings for the deep-end.

Undefined edges at the shore.

And I find myself swimming towards the middle of the lake.

Heading towards a 24/7 dynamic.

I worry that I am not that good of a swimmer.

Do I have the endurance?

And then He quiets my mind and my worries.

He knows my struggle to stay afloat in these deep waters.

He acts as my raft.  My safety.

But I still struggle.  Splashing and kicking. Keeping a watchful eye on the shore.

When I should just let go

And float…

Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground

And you may ask yourself
Am I right?…Am I wrong?
And you may say to yourself yourself
My God!…What have I done?!

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The Others…

Here’s a post-Halloween missive that feels most appropriate for me now.

Looking back at my life, there has never been a time where I lived presently, in one life…in one sole existence.  To explain, I’ve always compartmentalized.  I had my friends who knew me as the creative over-achiever, cool mom and good friend, but knew nothing of the other sides.  A very few select friends knew my darker side, but had no idea I could make a 3-tiered professionally designed wedding cake.  My church friends that saw me as the consummate volunteer for special projects, who would completely disown me if they could see the hand prints on my backside from an evening well-spent.  My work friends who barely knew me at all, except for the fact that I worked best under extreme pressure.  But not one person knew me as a whole.

That has changed a bit.  Over the past few months, I have finally felt comfortable bluring the lines,,,with a select few.  Some of my best friends are now all of the above…and I have found that  they have many sides as well.

Relationships were compartmentalized in a similar way.  I would have the boyfriend/spouse that was a picture of all that was normal and expected. They knew the driven, creative, stubborn woman capable of being what she needed to be.  But they nothing of who I really needed to be, or what I really wanted.

Then there were

The others…

The ones who knew little of my day-to-day existence, but knew of my darkest desires.  Those who knew just how far I would go within certain limits, but knew nothing of me as a whole person.  Sometimes they didn’t even know that I had children, or what type of work I did.  I intentionally kept that side a secret.

And now that I am exploring my wholeness with One, some of these others are trying to distract me.

I continue to politely decline.  Mostly they are understanding and happy for me.  There are a few that will remain friends, as that part of our dynamic was always more prominent than the playtime we shared.  They understand and accept their boundaries.  But there are a few who just don’t seem to get the message.  I have had to be a bit more direct.

For once in my life, there is no need for me to lead two lives.  No need to keep secrets.  No need to hide anything.

I have found a place where I can be all that I am, with the One who accepts and loves all of me.

The neurotic chronic worrier.

The creative over-achiever who starts multiple projects and struggles to finish any of them.

The insatiable submissive who craves his touch and direction, his approval and his discipline.

The multi-tasking caregiver to kids, parents and everything in between.

The restless spirit who keeps her running shoes in close sight, but chooses not to run.

He gets all of me.  Wants to understand all of me.

He wants to guide all of me.

And for once…

There is no need for the others, when I now have

The One.

The others

Put a Spell on You…

Spell

Intoxicated

Drunken

Taken in by this enigma

It is Him

He who permeates every thought and desire

Who has worked his dark magic

Making me long for Him

As I lie here

Waiting for Him

To play me

Anticipating the sweet music

As He,

The Maestro

Conducts the orchestra that is

My Body

My Heart

My Mind

My Soul

All in sync together

I am under His direction

Under His spell

 

The Road Not Taken…

We all know the poem, a Robert Frost classic.  It is a poem about the choices we make.

One road is traveled, assumed to be the easier path.

The other road is less traveled and unknown.

Unpaved and filled with uncertainty.

I have spent the majority of my life walking between these two roads.

In career, I have often taken the road less traveled, making instinctive decisions and taking risks.  Luckily, this has paid off for me.

In my family life, I have always done what is expected of me on the well-traveled path.  My methods may be a bit unorthodox, but I am usually able to keep everyone healthy and happy.

In my social life I teeter between the two roads with an eclectic mixture of friends and acquaintances.

Some friends stay on the main road, never diverting their eyes from the path in front of them.  Only going where others have gone before them.  Obligation and expectation serve as their compass.

Other friends occasionally take a detour off of the main thoroughfare, but always return to the comfort of the well-established, clearly lit road of familiarity.

A handful of friends don’t need a stinkin’ road.  They blaze their own trail in their bare feet.

In my love life, I have always taken the paved road complete with signs, mile markers and most importantly…

Well-defined EXITS…

When it comes to matters of the heart, I have never wanted to venture down the road less traveled, with unexpected twists and turns, one way streets and potential for dead ends.

I have never traveled that road until now.

Here I am on my journey to enlightenment and the only way to reach my destination is to navigate this elusive path of unchartered territory, that in a word… is love.

Until this point in my travels, I have been led by guides…gentlemen I’ve met on this trip who have pointed me in the direction of my destination.

I’d like to take a minute to reflect on those whose guidance led me to where I am now.

There are the ones who showed me what I don’t seek:  Don Knots, Dr. Pierce and Bond/Ike Turner.

I learned a lot from exploring what I did not want, understanding that I have no use for frustrated boy scouts, pierced psychiatrists without social skills and cruel bastards who pretend to understand the lifestyle.  These experiences allowed me to further bypass these exits along the journey.

No need to travel these dead-end roads once again.

There are those that just didn’t work out.  They weren’t disasters, but there was something missing from either the chemistry or the dynamic:  Father D, The Captain, Marky Mark.

These gentlemen had all the makings of guiding me further on the journey, but fell short of navigating the distance.  No hard feelings.

There are those with amazing potential, that just never happened:  Mr. Hyde in Baltimore and the trident carrying firefighter, who told me to trade in my trainers for stilettos…it was time to stop running.

There are those who made a significant impact on my life: Sir, Hemingway, Henry Hill, Billy the Kid and the Natural.

Each of these gentlemen transitioned from their position as guide to being a friend.

Sir still gives me spiritual guidance (whether or not I heed it).  He is always hopeful that he will someday save my wretched soul.

Hemingway gave me my confidence back.  He helped me heal from a horrific experience.  He restored my faith in the journey.  He put me back on my spiritual sojourn.

Henry Hill has morphed into one of the best friends I have.  I rely on him to help me make difficult decisions.  He has a true wisdom and has yet to steer me wrong.  He is one of the few people on this earth that can make me laugh out loud.  And he’s pretty easy on the eyes.

Which leads me to Billy the Kid.  Billy has been the biggest surprise of all.  Who would have thought that this young gun would make such an impact in my life?  He is the personification of cool.  A true gentleman who enjoys the finer things in life and reminds me that to get the best, one must demand the best.  Never settle.  In my humble opinion, no one will ever be good enough for Billy.

And finally….

The Natural taught me valuable life lessons.  He allowed me to hear my inner voice, to atone for things in my past and to let go. Most importantly, in his own way, he prepared me for the One.

No longer will my fragile heart seek the solace of the well-traveled road.  Instead, I boldly skip along on this path of unknown origins heading straight for the One.

He is out there.  I now know Him.

I have looked into His eyes.

I have kissed His lips.

He has touched my soul.

I am His.  I give myself…

Freely

Shamelessly

And although I am walking upon this road without signs or exits, I have a peace knowing He is leading me.  Walking with me.  Protecting me.

Guiding me on this road to enlightenment that just so happens to be filled with love.

No doubts

No detours

Just hand in hand on the journey to happiness, how ever we define it.

Heading confidently towards our destination.

As I close this reflective post, I can’t help but think of one of my favorite quotes:

“She wasn’t where she was,

She wasn’t where she was going…

She was on her way.”

Off we go…