*Quote from Pinterest
I’ll let you in on a little secret…
Ed McMahon is not dead. At least for me, he’s not.
I feel like I just won for life.
Not an over-sized check. No obnoxious bouquet of balloons.
Instead, I hit the proverbial jackpot of love.
Me, the cynic…the non-believer…
The one who refuses to let anyone in, has truly found the One…and this girl is ALL IN.
My Maestro arrived late Tuesday night and I have barely had time to come up for air since then.
He left from work and drove seven hours to get here a day early..
After putting in significant overtime to have the time off…
Driving the entire stretch, in the rain…
When I saw the headlights pull into my driveway, I was so beyond excited that I almost ran outside in the cold rain, barefoot in my pajamas…but instead, I waited for him on the porch.
I felt like a girl on Christmas morning who has just spotted her presents under the tree.
There we were. Together. Finally.
I felt alive in his presence.
We sat together and just looked at each other for the longest time. I studied his face. Looked into his eyes and committed to memory any of the things I’d missed before.
I forgot how perfect his kiss is. How he knows exactly how I like to be kissed.
He also knows each and every button on my body, and how to switch them on.
And I love giving him control.
He stroked my cheek and pulled me close, whispering in my ear, “Do you know what I want?”
Ahhhh….how he whispers….
“What do you want, my Maestro?” I asked
He whispered again, “I want you to remove your pajamas and assume your position.”
I knew what he wanted. I placed myself across his lap as if it were an altar.
Within minutes, he brought me over the edge…over the mountain…off the cliff and into the pools of sweet surrender. The passion we share is unlike anything I’ve experienced before.
What is so different, you ask?
It’s me. I am different. I am able to experience things I’ve never experienced before because for once in my life I can be myself. I can be my broken…flawed…sometimes neurotic…erotic…kinky…submissive self. I am free to be who I am. No facades. No masks. No changing my colors to blend in.
With Maestro, I can be ME. Which leads me to a complex, yet simply epiphany. I have never been myself in relationships. I have always been some version of me, but never gave anyone access to the real me.
This is true submission on an intensely deep level.
When we moved to the bedroom, we spooned. I love that. It’s a feeling of closeness that I have missed out in my life, never wanting to let anyone in.
He began to stroke my hair…my arm…my leg…my sweet spot. As he massaged the spot, he whispered in my ear. There was a primal tone in his voice, although he kept the volume at whisper level.
“Do you remember the text I sent you? The one you read while at the store?”
“Yes” I replied.
“Good, I am glad. Do you recall the phrase ‘tame and pale in comparison?”
“Of course I do, i read it over and over.”
He already had me under his spell, but he somehow raised the bar…increasing his dominion over me. His hand was around my throat. His body was firmly pressed against my back. He pulled me even closer.
“Do you know who you are?” he growled in his whisper to me.
I wondered if this was a rhetorical question, or if I was expected to answer. Before I could gather my thoughts, he spoke again.
“Who are you? Do you know who you are?”
I replied this time…
“Yes, I’m yours.”
His hand shifted from my throat to my hair. Pulling it tautly.
He leaned into my ear, breathy and deep and said…
“You are mine.”
And again he growled, “YES…..Mine”
(To be continued)
What is faith anyway?
I am not speaking from a religious place, but rather a spiritual place.
So faith…what is it?
Using traditional religion as an example, isn’t faith defined as believing in something but having no tangible proof of its existence?
The skeptic in me always wants proof. Always wants to see the data.
Always wants to…
That is just my nature.
Optimists see the glass half-full. Pessimists see it half-empty. Realists see it as a half a glass of water.
And the skeptics…We say, “I don’t even know if that’s really water.”
So how does this skeptic learn to believe?
Maestro and I were talking last night and he brought up my post from yesterday, The Struggle. He said He sensed some anxiety from me after reading it. That maybe I was skeptical of this beautiful thing we have together.
His response to that skeptical line of thought….
To continue being Himself.
To continue to believe in what we have. To have faith in us.
I was taken in by this rationale.
He continued, “I know what we have. I have no doubt that you are the person I want to grow old with, that you are the one person for me. I know it. I believe in it. I am willing to put the effort into this. To not give up. To be whatever you need. To give you the space to process when you feel skeptical. I am not going anywhere. Do you know why? Because, I love you. But most importantly, I believe in us.”
I was silent. Overcome with emotion.
At that moment…at that very moment Maestro taught me the concept of faith. Through all of my years in Sunday school. All of my years of believing in God and Jesus and Santa Claus, I never fully understood what it meant to have faith.
Now I get it.
And here’s what I gleaned from our conversation.
I believe in us too.
And Maestro is teaching me, guiding me back on the path to spiritual enlightenment. He is bringing me to this new place in me that I am learning to call home.
For now, our home isn’t a tangible place. It’s our faith in who we are together.
I am in deep.
Can’t touch the bottom.
The water feels great, but I have moments of panic and anxiety.
What if I can’t swim all the way to shore?
Intermittently, I float. Feeling the weightlessness of letting go of myself.
But still, the thought of being in waters so deep, scares me.
I begin to swim towards shore and realize just how far it is.
I think I can make it back there.
But yet, I don’t want to get out of the water.
And I realize it’s not the water that scares me…
The only thing I am afraid of is myself.
I don’t know who I am any longer.
I haven’t really changed on the outside. I am still in control of my day-to-day. Still the strong, confident woman at work. Still the mom who juggles it all. Still the caregiver to my parents.
But this other side of me…my submissive self. I find that I am in unchartered waters.
Prior to Maestro, I have only swam laps in the pool of submission. Meaning, my only real experience is with scenes and play dates.
Now I am in a large, beautiful lake of D/s…
No defined place to swim laps.
No defined shallow-end.
No warnings for the deep-end.
Undefined edges at the shore.
And I find myself swimming towards the middle of the lake.
Heading towards a 24/7 dynamic.
I worry that I am not that good of a swimmer.
Do I have the endurance?
And then He quiets my mind and my worries.
He knows my struggle to stay afloat in these deep waters.
He acts as my raft. My safety.
But I still struggle. Splashing and kicking. Keeping a watchful eye on the shore.
When I should just let go
Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?…Am I wrong?
And you may say to yourself yourself
My God!…What have I done?!
Taken in by this enigma
It is Him
He who permeates every thought and desire
Who has worked his dark magic
Making me long for Him
As I lie here
Waiting for Him
To play me
Anticipating the sweet music
Conducts the orchestra that is
All in sync together
I am under His direction
Under His spell
I am so into you….
I can’t think of nothing else.
Thinking of how it’s going to be
When I get you next to me.
It’s gonna be good.
This is an oldie, but goodie.
And the alternate meaning in the song is that before, every hair on my head is in place.
And then, after…
My hair looks like Diana Ross in Central Park.
Upside down you’re turning me…
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