Here to Stay

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Our time apart was brief. It was simply a time to breathe and account for where we are in our lives.  Who we are.

Where we are as a couple. And where we want to go.

The windshield is clean, our path is clear and laid out in front of us. He remains in the driver’s seat and I am his loyal passenger as we drive off into the sunset…into this next phase of us. No big life events planned. It’s just that we have now experienced what life would be like apart, and neither of us wants that.

When he arrived home, things were a little awkward. We were friendly and affectionate, but there was a formality. A hesitancy in the mood. I think we were both shell-shocked from the time apart and we felt weary and worn. Also, he didn’t arrive until 2:00 am, after an 8-hour drive. We were both exhausted. We talked for a bit and retired to bed.

I was drifting off to sleep when he leaned over and kissed me. I opened my eyes and found him watching me as I dosed. He kissed me again. His mouth tasted divine and my lips felt like a magnet, drawing towards his. We didn’t talk. We just kissed each other for a long time. Soft sweet kisses. Open passionate kisses. Slowly kissing. Taking it all in.

I found myself aroused by his mouth. I couldn’t get enough of his lips on mine. Feeling his tongue explore mine. The sweet taste. My mouth watered for more. My body salivated for his touch.

He pulled me to him and we began to make love. His touch felt so good on my skin and even better on my soul. His love penetrated me so deeply that I could feel my heart bleeding for him. For us. Each movement was affirmation that there is not another human being in this universe made for me, as he is. This connection. This depth is something that I was destined to have with my One.

My orgasms were swift and powerful and profoundly meaningful. I found myself, once again, shedding my layers for him. Revealing myself…more of myself. Giving all to him as it should be. I was so overwhelmed with pleasure and joy that I began to weep. Releasing everything as I laid my head on his chest. He breathed me in with each breath and exhaled himself, filling me with the air I need to thrive.

Afterwards, I reflected on our beautiful session, thinking about how amazing he is. How good we are together. And I realized the reason why we are so attuned to each other. I figured out how it is that every time, over a year into this, the sex is mind-blowing, existential and powerful. It our connection and it is our selfless love of each other. Each of us puts the other first…their needs and desires. There is no hidden agenda of me “getting mine” or him “getting his.” It is absolute selfless love and focus on the other person. We demonstrate this in how we make love. And we demonstrate this selflessness in our relationship. Always putting the other first.

This is what a real relationship looks like. A first for me. This is a healthy, happy place that I share with my M who makes it a reality. His love and adoration of me, gives me permission and acceptance to finally love myself. And this love allows me to give him all that I am. It’s a beautiful exchange.

Welcome home, M. Our love is here to stay.

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Rolling in the Deep…

This won’t be a sexy, metaphorically-laden clever post.  Folks, this is where the sh*t gets real.

We are approaching 4 months since M’s arrival.  For the number people (I happen to be one) That’s 120 days.  That’s 2880 hours.  That’s one third of a year.

And the veneer has worn off.

Yes, we have farted in front of each other.  He has seen me at my best and my worst.  He sees the in between.  He sees through my bullshit.  And occasionally, I feel a tinge of panic…because there’s nowhere for me to hide.  He will reveal me

. He has seen me swell with pride as my oldest graduated from high school, with honors.  He was there when my 7 year old had his art show.  And my 2 year old runs to him first when we both arrive at daycare to pick her up.  I am His.  He is mine.  And the kids are morphing into ours.  We are a family.  A happy family.

He is here when I fall apart…I lost my job of 6 years due to a major shift in budget.  He was here to help pick me up, reassuring me that all would work out.  Reminding me that we will be fine.

He is by my side as I watch my father’s health deteriorate.  We put him on hospice this week.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to face.   And I am not alone in the journey…he is here.  Leading me as my protector.

And in the midst of this chaos, he is my strength.  He helps me unpack the years of baggage I carry with me.  My burden is lighter because he works me through my issues.  (I sometimes feel like he needs to bill me for a copay)

beautiful

This is the beauty of a strong relationship.  This is the epitome of D/s.  It’s not the kink.  It’s not the scenes.  (Those are wonderful and have their purpose.) But this where we go deeper.  This is where I give all to my M and he gives me sanctuary.  This is where we grow. We have a long way to go, but I will say that we walk the road together.  And when I want to run and hide…when I want to forge ahead, or lag behind….he reminds me of who I am.

I am HIS… I belong to Him, and He’s got this.

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(Quotes from Pinterest) 

The “OG”

So a couple of posts back I wrote about the connection with the surname, “Gray/Grey” and the connotation behind the characters.  Seems I overlooked one very important character.

Dorian Gray, the OG (Original Gray).

How could I forget the infamous hedonist who sold his soul to keep his beauty and youth?

It was the only novel written by Oscar Wilde and it was not well -received in Victorian London.  With its themes of hedonism and homoeroticism, the criticisms of the novel were harsh and dismissive.  It caused quite a scandal in those times.  (I wonder how it would fare today.  I wonder if it would be displayed near the impulse items at Target, just like the new Grey book.  Hmmmm….)

Here’s an interesting fact.  The book, The Picture of Dorian Gray, was actually based on a real character, a “friend” of Oscar Wilde’s named, John Gray.  And Wilde only changed the first name…not protecting the identity of the not-so-innocent, Gray.  Being an avid researcher, I found the truth behind this tale is actually stranger than fiction.  I never saw this coming.

the og

Here’s a synopsis/comparison of the two Grays:

Dorian was described as beautiful and breathtaking. John was described as an “Adonis” of a man.

Dorian was wealthy and traveled in high social circles.  John was of the middle-class, in south-east London.

Both characters led a decadent lifestyle, seeking pleasure with full abandon.

Dorian Gray ultimately kills himself by stabbing his decaying portrait, which in turn becomes him in the flesh and he dies.

For a brief time, John Gray enjoys the infamy of his doppleganger, Dorian, and it is reported that he actually began signing his name, Dorian.  He then repents, leaving his Decadent Movement affiliations behind in London, goes to Rome and eventually is ordained as a priest.

WHAT????

Yes, this is how the story…the true story…goes.  In summary….one of Oscar Wilde’s lovers is so handsome that he writes about him and his hedonistic lifestyle in a novel, not changing the last name.  Said lover enjoys the infamy and then has a complete about-face, and repents.  But he is not satisfied to merely repent from his days of debauchery…Instead he packs up, moves to Rome and spends years becoming a priest.

To tie things up (no bondage reference intended) it seems that the real John Gray, was aptly named.  He embraced his darkness for part of his life and then turned towards the light. Making him, his life…its own shade of gray.

And ladies and gentlemen, that’s why he’s the real OG.