The Sub-Whisperer

Two years ago, this very weekend, everything I described in this post happened. And the Maestro and I began our journey together. It’s been a great two years. We are closer than ever.
We “re-created” our first weekend together this weekend and it has been amazing. Still together. Still in love. And as always, I am His.

50shadesofsaved

We were having such a lovely evening together.

Such connection.

I am a hater…let’s read that again, HATER, of public displays of affection.

I always find a way to avoid it.

No hand-holding…I’ll pretend to fidget with something in my purse to keep my hands occupied.

No hugging or embracing…I will fake a coughing fit that could bring medical personnel from a two-mile radius to avoid this in public

And no kissing…I will keep coughing if needed, but I may throw in a fake phone call for good measure.

But this time, when He reached for my hand I didn’t fidget.

I let go of me and all of my weird quirks and grabbed His hand.

His big strong hand.

And yes the PDA was slightly uncomfortable at first, but I quickly acclimated.

We did it all…out in the open.  Hugging, kissing and hand holding.

Dinner was…

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Love Hangover

I am in a daze today.  After a couple of cups of coffee, I am still groggy.  I haven’t even dressed yet.  I am still in my gown, which I just noticed…is inside out.

I feel hungover.  It’s a love hangover.

Maestro and I have been keeping some late nights lately.  Over the last week there have been several 3:00 am “wake-up” calls.  It’s interesting how you can be physically exhausted and yet mentally energized.

Yesterday, we spent the majority of the day entertaining the kids. It was an all-day affair of going here and there.  They are so full of energy!  After they finally went to bed, we each retreated to our computers to decompress.  Around midnight, M went to bed.  I continued researching information for an article I’m writing for work.  I came to bed around 1:00 am and decided it was my turn to sound the alarm.

I may have sounded the alarm, but he opened the floodgates. I am no good to anyone today.  I am a sleepy, distracted mess of a woman, wearing a mysterious smile on her face. There’s no cure for what I have, but I suspect Maestro has a remedy.  I should probably take a nap.  I have a feeling it will be a long night once again.

Here is what’s playing in my head today…

The Journey Ahead

It has been far too long since I’ve written on here.  Life has become very hectic and my time very limited.  But life is good.  And it gets better every day.

Maestro and I are still growing as a couple.  This past year of living together has been exciting and tumultuous. And scary.  And challenging.  And wonderful.  We are a great match.  We complement each other.  Where I am weak, he is strong.

It is all good…but I really miss the scenes.  Those over-the-top sexual marathons that left us both breathless and sore.  Those weekends where our only goal was to worship each other.  We still connect.  We still play.  He still beats my ass when I am smart-mouthed and defiant.  But with the day-to-day, with the demands of work and kids, we have little time left over for those hedonistic weekends we crave.

But things are looking up.  We are moving to a new city.  M was recruited by a large firm in a neighboring state and has landed a dream job.  For now, he is commuting, but next month…we will all move there.  It’s very exciting.  What is more exciting is that we will be able to reclaim our bedroom.  Our sacred space.  The bossy two-year old is getting her own room (finally) and we will be able to sneeze without the risk of waking her.

I can’t wait to begin this chapter of our lives together.  I have never relocated with anyone before.  I have never packed up the family and moved to another place for work.  It’s a great feeling.  Liberating and secure, all at the same time.  And I cannot wait to have more alone time with M.

More to come…

journey

 

 

Don’t Believe the 50 Shades of Hype…

It’s that time of year again! I had to reblog my snarky take on the hype around the movie. And just think…they’ve already started work on the 3rd one.

50shadesofsaved

Since the title of my blog is derived from the infamous book, Fifty Shades of Grey, I feel compelled to wax poetic about the upcoming movie, scheduled for release this weekend.

So here goes….

Quite frankly, I am growing tired of the hype surrounding the movie.  The question of rating.  The reference to “unusual behavior”. The constant barrage of trailers and previews.  And it all comes down to this, in my humble…submissive opinion.

It’s all a marketing ploy…

After all, while shopping for diapers, shampoo and beauty products at my favorite place, Target, I discovered that I can buy a “Fifty Shades of Grey” Starter Kit.  WHAT?  Yes..they exist.  There are different kits.  One comes with two blindfolds (I snickered to myself in the store, thinking that would be one hell of a game of blind-man’s-bluff) along with the obligatory massage oil.  The other kit has some form of sensual…

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The River Wild

rafting

Maestro and I took a little sojourn yesterday. White water rafting through some tumultuous “rapids”. It was another of our spontaneous trips. No planning or notice. No time to pack. No need for anything.

We never even left the bed.

As M entered my raft, it was obvious that he was to be my guide for the evening. He was adept at navigating the rough waters ahead. He was in total control.  He led me into the river, maneuvering towards the first set of rapids.  The wetness was all around and I could tell the waves were increasing in intensity.  I decided to assist my guide by grabbing his oar and paddling toward the first part of our expedition.  He was appreciative of my attention to detail, showing me how best to steer.

The waves lapped over the raft again and again.  The intensity continued to build and his skilled maneuvers took me straight into another set of rapids.  These were even more intense and I found myself soaked.  The rush was incredible and he could see that I was ready for more.  He navigated the raft with sharp expertise, changing direction to yet another set of rapids.  These were so fierce…so consuming that we both ended up drenched.

We never capsized.  M kept the raft afloat and each set of rapids proved more powerful than the ones before.  I was eager to go farther each time.  I wanted more, and the way he maneuvered the raft in perfect direction, gave me the ride of my life.

At the end of our lengthy expedition I was parched and only he could quench my thirst.  After drinking my fill, he guided me out of the river and we basked on the shore…both of us spent and energized at the same time.  Quietly lying there, recollecting the journey we had taken.

As I adjusted my pillow and rolled over to spoon into his form, I smiled to myself.

Wonder where our next trip will be?

 

And So It Begins…

Today is the DAY! M is in route and in less than seven hours..he will be here. The kids are beyond excited and I have been “nesting” all week to get things ready for his arrival. (Special thanks to those who helped me get it all together, Lou and PBR, thanks ladies…your help and support made all the difference!)

Sometimes, there is a song that just fits the occasion, perfectly. Leave it to John Lennon to have the right words.

It’s time to spread our wing’s and fly,
Don’t let another day go by my love,
It’ll be just like starting over – starting over,

Save travels, M.  We are all ready for you to come home.

Faith, Restored…

Restored….

Things are much better now. I’ve had a trying start to 2015. I didn’t realize how much I’d distanced myself from everyone, especially Maestro. I guess it’s how I cope. Instead of reaching out to him for help, for support…I pushed him farther and farther away. My last post was my way of reaching out and initially, he didn’t take it well. I can certainly understand his perspective. Instead of just telling him how much I was hurting, I turned away from him and turned to my writing.

He was hurt that I didn’t open up to him, but being the strong man he is…he was able to put his own feelings aside and focus on me.  We talked for hours.  He helped me through the darkness I was feeling.  He helped me identify my triggers.  He helped me understand his triggers.  And at the end of our conversation, a talk that lasted into the wee hours of Friday morning, he made an announcement.

“I am coming up this weekend. I need to see you.”

We were planning a visit for Valentine’s weekend, so this was an exciting surprise.  At first, I worried that he would not be able to visit two weeks in a row.  It is a 7-hour drive, one way, after all.  But he was undeterred by time or distance.  He still planned to be here for Valentines, but he wanted to make sure I was okay.  He wanted to be there for me.  He wanted to make sure “we” were okay.  And being a man of his word…

At 1:15 am, Saturday morning, my Maestro was here.

One I saw him, everything was okay.  I immediately felt the protection and support I needed just by his presence.  We had a great weekend…quiet and relaxing.  And he is so good with my kids.  He understands how challenging it is for me to give them all of the attention they need, while trying to work and keep the house, and care for my father.  So he senses where I need the support and jumps in to help.  He keeps me calm and grounded when things become chaotic.

And he also knows how to give me the release I so badly need.  And in my recent stressed state, he understood just how far to push me, without going too far.  He knows what I need.

We are stronger than ever.  This was our first real challenge.  When I was falling he came to the rescue and caught me in those big strong arms of his.  When my problems were too much, he carried me.  When we began drifting apart, he closed the distance between us and showed up on my doorstep.

When I began to doubt everything, he restored my faith.

I learned from this experience…I learned that I need to trust his strength.  Trust his judgement.  And most of all, trust him to be the man I know he is.  The One who can handle it all.  The One who holds my fragile heart in his strong and worthy hands.

All my love to you, M.  See you again soon.  

Shelter From the Storm

It’s after 2:00 am.  I can’t sleep, there’s too much on my mind.  Readers, I warn you….this is not going to be my typical post.  I’m in a state, so bear with me on this one.  It needs to come out. So here goes….

Emotional vulnerability is not my thing.  I rarely open up to people and very seldom do I show true emotion.  I keep my feelings in check until I can deal with them in private.  It’s just how I am wired. This is why submission is such an integral part of me.  In a scene, I can be vulnerable (more so in a physical sense) and I must let go to experience it.  It is a literal manifestation of vulnerability and for a long time, it gave me what I craved.

Until meeting Maestro, my submission was focused exclusively in the physical realm.  I was comfortable to be in a submissive “role” when engaged in a scene with one of my suitors.  But never did I allow myself to become emotionally vulnerable.  My guard was always up, as were my towering walls.  And if I felt someone was about to scale one of my walls, I would simply run.  It is an instinctive defense mechanism.

But Maestro changed all of that.  I felt like I was re-wired in a sense.  For once, I felt safe to be emotional.  To be vulnerable.  I felt protected.  I found myself embracing my suppressed submissiveness.  I began to feel things.  Experience things.  I didn’t run.  I could allow myself to swim in the deep waters, because he had my back.  And I knew that he wouldn’t allow anything to happen to me.  Submission was becoming more than a scene.  It was allowing me to finally become me.

So on this emotional and spiritual journey of mine,  I have learned many things.  I understand faith and grace and unconditional love.  But at the present time, I don’t feel very submissive.  And I am most upset about that.

Looking back at my two marriages, I was the strong one.  I was the one who handled everything.  I had the career and ran the house with a stern hand while raising and nurturing children. And with the crystal clear vision of hindsight, I understand why they ended.  That is not the natural order of things and it was destined for failure.  Upon deep reflection, I feel that I created the environment.  My reluctance to be vulnerable.  My inability to relinquish any form of control.  My need to lead it all, helped convert these two (polar opposite) men I married, into blubbering idiots….dependent on me for every decision.  Dependent on me to handle it all.  My inability to let go…my inability to be vulnerable helped to create an environment of learned helplessness.

And I am terrified that I am once again, subconsciously this time, headed for a similar scenario.

I just lost my mother a month ago.  That’s a pretty catastrophic event to endure and I was there for it all, spending many nights with her in the hospital.  Wanting to be alone with her for the communion of it just being us, but also because I wanted the privacy to be emotional.  And I am having a difficult time letting go.  I am really struggling to grieve.  I don’t think any of my friends or family really see this.  I put on the strong face and work through it.  I can maintain a stoic front for as long as I have to.  But the difference is….I don’t want to “have to”any longer.

In the midst of this, I have pulled away from Maestro.  I feel my instinct to run creeping back into my thoughts.  And I don’t want to run from him.  But I have had so much to handle…mom died…the kids have been terribly sick…I got sick…we were in a car accident (all of this in a 3 week span.)  And I am still caring for my father…still working as the only breadwinner…still getting up every morning and being a single mom. It gets to be too much at times.

Sometimes, I just want to curl up in his arms and know that I am protected.  That everything will be alright.  I want to be the little.  I want to hand over my burdens.  But he is seven hours away and this is when it really sucks to be in a long-distance relationship.  And here is my struggle with my submission.  I have pulled away and pushed him away…telling him I need to cope with things on my own.  I have been distant and in-turn, I feel him becoming distant…which is the opposite of what I want or need.  I am sure I am sending mixed signals, but what I need more than anything is the feeling of protection.  To complicate matters, he has a lot going on in his life right now, too.  So I can’t expect him to make the trip here every weekend.  But I need him.  I don’t want my stoic front to fool him into thinking I don’t.  I do need his strength.

And I need my submission to him, which feels a bit lost in all of this.  But to process, I need it now more than ever.  And part of that submission is being honest with myself and with him by admitting that I do need him.  I need his guidance.  I need his level-head…and his way of making me laugh…I need how he simplifies my life just by talking me through whatever task is in front of me…whatever I am facing.

I need shelter from the storm.

Not a word was spoke between us there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved
Try imagining a place where it’s always safe and warm
“Come in” He said
“I’ll give you shelter from the storm”.

I was burned out from exhaustion buried in the hail
Poisoned in the bushes and blown out on the trail
Hunted like a crocodile ravaged in the corn
“Come in” He said
“I’ll give you shelter from the storm”.

“Sister Christian”

Thought I’d lure you in with the title!  Who can resist that?

The sheer mention of the Night Ranger classic takes me back to a simpler time…when the biggest dilemma in my life revolved around which acid-wash jeans to wear to school. When my biggest inconvenience was having to fast-forward through the songs I didn’t like on my worn-out Footloose soundtrack cassette.  When my hopes and dreams were as big as my hair. It was a time when my burdens were few.

Life was good.

And Sister Christian was the song.

What a venture down memory lane…

If you will recall, I recently wrote about meeting one of my readers in person.  That may not seem like a big deal to some of you.  For me it was huge.  The fact that I write about D/s along with spirituality, attracts a mixed group of followers.  This particular reader finds herself on a similar journey within her marriage.  So we do have common ground, but within very different contexts.  She is married and engages in D/s with her husband.  Until recently finding the One, my Maestro, I went through men like I went through those acid-washed jeans in 1983…fast-forwarding to the ones I liked.  Thank God, I found Him in the midst of the chaos.  And thankfully I am finding what I seek spiritually, reconnecting with God.

I was initially nervous about meeting her in person.  Like I mentioned before, there is a safety and comfort of writing behind a computer screen…putting your deepest, in my case-darkest, thoughts out there for the world to see.  So the thought of meeting a reader, face-to-face, was a bit unsettling at first…there is nowhere to hide.  This is where the shit gets real.  And it did.

She was an absolute delight.  We met in a nearby restaurant and immediately hugged, like long-lost friends do.  The conversation was non-stop from the moment we got together.  She is a brilliant woman with several degrees, one of which is a PhD in Theology.  How fascinating.  We dished on everything from D/s…to kids…to marriage…to all of the different kinks we’ve read about on here….to spirituality….to business ventures….to health and wellness…to the Bible….to discipline…to healing spiritually…and all the way back around to the subject of D/s.

We eventually went to my house where we could have some privacy to talk in more depth.  We were standing in my kitchen when she asked about different blog characters.  I provided a bit more detail about those she asked about.

She then said, “Tell me where you have found God in all of this.”

Wow…that’s the question, isn’t it?  Where did I find God in the midst of my turbulent descent into BDSM?

My answer, “Everywhere.”  Which is so true.  As I reflected on the question, I realized that He has been everywhere. First and foremost, as my protector…I did some risky things in the beginning, scary things, things I haven’t even written on here, and through His grace, I came out of it safely.  And then He has served as my guide…helping me to discern those who were worthy, from those who weren’t.  Giving me the insight to know when to let go.  And then as a father…forgiving me of my trespasses. loving me unconditionally as I sorted all of this debauchery out.  So in a strange sort of way, God has been the prototype, the example of the ultimate Dom.  Which is completely her line of thought.  She just helped me arrive at the same place by posing the question.

You know, she helped me through a lot things.  And I don’t feel this was a coincidental meeting at all.  I feel that we were meant to meet….meant to be friends.  She is an amazing woman and I have deep respect for her.  I admire her commitment to her husband, to her family, to her faith.  I know I will learn things from her.  I realize that our meeting was yet another one of those God-moments in my life.  Despite her background in theology, her knowledge of the Bible, and her deep and unwavering belief, she was not “judgey” at all.  Like me, she is who she is and she is a real person. She is a person who understands my journey, without critical judgement.  A person convicted in her faith that didn’t try to condemn me for my unorthodox path.  And she didn’t try to convince me to drink the Kool-Aid.  There was no Kool-Aid.  All she was offering was friendship.

And because I felt a sister-like kinship with her immediately, I am sure she understands my choice for the post song.

So my dear friend…my Sister Christian, thank you for the visit.

And many thanks for the gift of your friendship.

Watching the Wheels

“Watching the Wheels” is one of my favorite songs of all time.

John Lennon died on my eight birthday. I always felt a kinship…a responsibility to remember him because we share a day.  And to me, this is one of his best.

I find this song appropriate as I prepare for my day tomorrow. A few posts back I wrote about a reader who reached out to me as Maestro and I were about to watch Exodus. Her message struck a chord with me as we are on a similar journey…both of us seeking God and enlightenment in our D/s relationships. And tomorrow, I will have the opportunity to meet this lovely woman.

As serendipity would have it, she is visiting a nearby state and is willing to make the drive here to meet me. I have to admit, I am a bit nervous. Yes, I know….I’ve done things far scarier than this that involve a variety of gentlemen and a variety of scenarios. But this is a different kind of nervous. After all, outside of a handful of friends and close acquaintances, no one knows my real identity. On the blog, I am anonymous…equipped with a laptop and a pseudonym.  I can express my thoughts freely.

And tomorrow, I will sit face to face with a reader (who I might add is also sharing her identity) to discuss this tumultuous journey of mine. To discuss the experiences within her journey (hers is a bit different, as she is exploring D/s in her established marriage). To discuss where we find God in all of this. How we seek solace in the guidance and direction of our partners and ultimately in The Almighty.

I am excited to meet my new friend.  I am eager to hear about her journey.  I hope that we are able to glean much from each other’s experiences.  It will be refreshing to talk with someone who sees the dynamic in a similar light as I do.

 

So I leave you with this…

People say I’m crazy, doing what I’m doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings, to save me from ruin
When I say that I’m okay, well they look at me kinda strange
“Surely, you’re not happy now, you no longer play the game”