Re-Routed

I left off about four months ago.  We were on the cusp of change.  Moving.  Changing jobs.  Relocating our family.  And suddenly our plans changed.

About one week after I wrote my last post, my father died.  I knew it was coming, but didn’t expect him to go as quickly as he did.  I had the time to say what I needed to say to him.  Most of his family visited and he was at peace.  He knew he was loved.

My first day at the new job was delayed by a week, because of his passing.  I work for hospice, so if anyone understands everything that’s involved in dealing with death, hospice does.  They were understanding and even sent flowers to his service.  And then everything changed in a matter of a week, that week I was supposed to have started.

I walked into the office on my first day, and the three people who’d interviewed me were no longer with the company.  My direct manager, the administrator and the regional director.  All gone.  The replacements were of a completely different mindset and had little to no concern for me or anyone else, nor for anything other than our numbers.  It was like walking into a lion’s den.  To make matters worse, I fell walking into a hospital to visit a patient and broke my foot.  I’ve been sequestered to a desk since June, when I typically work in the field.

M’s job was not what it seemed either.  The director of human resources that recruited and hired him, left after his second week on the job.  No one else was designated to train him, so they tucked him away in a corner, watching training videos for three weeks.  There was a complete restructure of his department, and his position changed significantly.  Needless to say, he’s not happy.

The good news in all of this…we never relocated.  It was almost as if God was looking out for us.  We were outbid on the first house we liked and the second one had some major underlying issues, so we retracted our offer.  It seemed there were all these obstacles around us finding a place to live.  I am so thankful.  We hate the commute, but we find ways to make it work while we look for jobs closer to home.

All of this turmoil has left me in a strange place.  I am still grieving over my father.  He and my mother died within 18 months of each other and that’s a lot to process.  I really dislike my job and feel that I am being spiritually led to other ventures.  I need to cultivate a different career path…one that allows me more time with my children and M.  I am happiest when I serve others, and I’ve lost that part of job satisfaction where I am.

So our life has been re-routed.  But we are still strong.  Our family continues to thrive.  And I am ever-grateful to be on this path to ‘whatever comes next’ with my M…even if he won’t stop to ask for directions.  I know he will lead us to where we need to be.  I know he will help me find who I’ve yet to become.  the hunt

(Photo credit, Pinterest)

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Here to Stay

car

Our time apart was brief. It was simply a time to breathe and account for where we are in our lives.  Who we are.

Where we are as a couple. And where we want to go.

The windshield is clean, our path is clear and laid out in front of us. He remains in the driver’s seat and I am his loyal passenger as we drive off into the sunset…into this next phase of us. No big life events planned. It’s just that we have now experienced what life would be like apart, and neither of us wants that.

When he arrived home, things were a little awkward. We were friendly and affectionate, but there was a formality. A hesitancy in the mood. I think we were both shell-shocked from the time apart and we felt weary and worn. Also, he didn’t arrive until 2:00 am, after an 8-hour drive. We were both exhausted. We talked for a bit and retired to bed.

I was drifting off to sleep when he leaned over and kissed me. I opened my eyes and found him watching me as I dosed. He kissed me again. His mouth tasted divine and my lips felt like a magnet, drawing towards his. We didn’t talk. We just kissed each other for a long time. Soft sweet kisses. Open passionate kisses. Slowly kissing. Taking it all in.

I found myself aroused by his mouth. I couldn’t get enough of his lips on mine. Feeling his tongue explore mine. The sweet taste. My mouth watered for more. My body salivated for his touch.

He pulled me to him and we began to make love. His touch felt so good on my skin and even better on my soul. His love penetrated me so deeply that I could feel my heart bleeding for him. For us. Each movement was affirmation that there is not another human being in this universe made for me, as he is. This connection. This depth is something that I was destined to have with my One.

My orgasms were swift and powerful and profoundly meaningful. I found myself, once again, shedding my layers for him. Revealing myself…more of myself. Giving all to him as it should be. I was so overwhelmed with pleasure and joy that I began to weep. Releasing everything as I laid my head on his chest. He breathed me in with each breath and exhaled himself, filling me with the air I need to thrive.

Afterwards, I reflected on our beautiful session, thinking about how amazing he is. How good we are together. And I realized the reason why we are so attuned to each other. I figured out how it is that every time, over a year into this, the sex is mind-blowing, existential and powerful. It our connection and it is our selfless love of each other. Each of us puts the other first…their needs and desires. There is no hidden agenda of me “getting mine” or him “getting his.” It is absolute selfless love and focus on the other person. We demonstrate this in how we make love. And we demonstrate this selflessness in our relationship. Always putting the other first.

This is what a real relationship looks like. A first for me. This is a healthy, happy place that I share with my M who makes it a reality. His love and adoration of me, gives me permission and acceptance to finally love myself. And this love allows me to give him all that I am. It’s a beautiful exchange.

Welcome home, M. Our love is here to stay.

Rolling in the Deep…

This won’t be a sexy, metaphorically-laden clever post.  Folks, this is where the sh*t gets real.

We are approaching 4 months since M’s arrival.  For the number people (I happen to be one) That’s 120 days.  That’s 2880 hours.  That’s one third of a year.

And the veneer has worn off.

Yes, we have farted in front of each other.  He has seen me at my best and my worst.  He sees the in between.  He sees through my bullshit.  And occasionally, I feel a tinge of panic…because there’s nowhere for me to hide.  He will reveal me

. He has seen me swell with pride as my oldest graduated from high school, with honors.  He was there when my 7 year old had his art show.  And my 2 year old runs to him first when we both arrive at daycare to pick her up.  I am His.  He is mine.  And the kids are morphing into ours.  We are a family.  A happy family.

He is here when I fall apart…I lost my job of 6 years due to a major shift in budget.  He was here to help pick me up, reassuring me that all would work out.  Reminding me that we will be fine.

He is by my side as I watch my father’s health deteriorate.  We put him on hospice this week.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to face.   And I am not alone in the journey…he is here.  Leading me as my protector.

And in the midst of this chaos, he is my strength.  He helps me unpack the years of baggage I carry with me.  My burden is lighter because he works me through my issues.  (I sometimes feel like he needs to bill me for a copay)

beautiful

This is the beauty of a strong relationship.  This is the epitome of D/s.  It’s not the kink.  It’s not the scenes.  (Those are wonderful and have their purpose.) But this where we go deeper.  This is where I give all to my M and he gives me sanctuary.  This is where we grow. We have a long way to go, but I will say that we walk the road together.  And when I want to run and hide…when I want to forge ahead, or lag behind….he reminds me of who I am.

I am HIS… I belong to Him, and He’s got this.

walls

(Quotes from Pinterest) 

Opening the Windows

Yes!  Finally! Spring has arrived in my town. The kids are back in school.  The Masters’ patrons have all returned home and the thick yellow pollen has began to subside. The weather is warm and the feel in the house is warmer from the temperature outside and also because M is here permanently.  We are blending into a very happy and contented family.

I realized today, that it’s time to open the windows.

Not literally, but as we progress…as our bond deepens, I am beginning to understand that it’s time for me to fully reveal myself.  Not that I have been holding back, but there are things I need to release…M already knows this, but I recently had one of my epiphanies that enlightened me.

I enjoy the dense anticipation leading up to a well-orchestrated scene.  I love the planning.  I love the preparation.  I love how I envision the scenario.  I love the rush of it all.  And equally, I love Maestro’s spontaneity.  When I least expect it.  When I am not prepared, he brings an afternoon filled with carnal pleasure that makes me a blubbering mess.

Literally.

So I will get a little personal here, but I am one of those lucky gals who is able to orgasm easily and frequently.  I find that each time I go there, I lose myself in the moment and shift into a state of hedonistic debauchery.  Maestro knows every inch of my body and how to make me writhe and shake with delight in a mere matter of minutes.  Today, he took me to a place I’d never ventured before.  It was like subspace, but far more primal.  I found myself glazed over, breathing like a wild animal, staring deeply into his eyes.  I was so overcome by the beast within me, that I was no longer my civilized self.  And at that moment, in it’s intensity, I began to weep.

With Maestro, I find that I do cry from our more consuming exchanges together.  It usually happens after I venture into subspace, and it’s a beautiful release.

Today was different.

Today, the tears felt more intentional.  They were a layer I was shedding, like an animal sheds its winter coat in the warmth of spring.  It was a place of pure vulnerability.  I felt it.  He felt it.  And when I tried to retreat and nuzzle into his chest, he held my face and said, “No.  Don’t hide.  Look at me.”

I tried to look away, but he held my face with a tender firmness that demanded my attention.  So we stared into each others eyes.  The human and the wild animal, sharing an unspoken trust.  Sharing a new level of our life together. And the tears…they fell…one by one…neither of us trying to wipe them away.  Both of us so focused on each other that it was a moment that I will never forget.  The feeling, like a hunter capturing his prey.  His prey could have tried to escape, but chose to stay…in the moment.  Chose to let him have her.

I realized once the beast within retreated and I fell back into my civilized self, that I had just opened my windows. My soul was aching to come out.  I knew that in that moment, I felt and revealed a part of my soul that had been hibernating for far too long.  The winter of my life is officially over.  Spring is here.

And my windows are open.

open window

“ReMastered”

Recently I have been on a musical mission. Finding songs from my past that resonate with me now. And I noticed a trend during my search.  Many of the songs I sought, had been “remastered”.

What an interesting word…Remastered.

In music, remastered means the original recording of a song has been digitally enhanced.  Most of the songs on my list that have been remastered, sound clearer, and there is a greater distinction in tone.  There is an overall better sound quality…with no static.  It is still the same song, not a cover, but rather better version of the original.

What an interesting concept.  ReMastered.

Taking a moment to apply the concept to myself, I find that I have indeed, been ReMastered.  I am still the same “song” but the static is gone.  I am clearer.  I am able to distinguish between the many tones in my sound.  It is all because I am enhanced.  Better.

Leave it to the Maestro to put my song back in tune, making it better than the original.

Living the M/s dynamic 24/7 makes me a better person.  My focus is steady, my resolve relentless.  My one and only objective is to do what is pleasing to M.  And many of you reading this may think…yeah, that’s nice, but what about your job, your kids, your life?  And I hear you…months ago, I would not have understood the profound effect living in a power-exchange relationship would have on how I function.  But this “ReMastering” makes me better in every way.

If I focus on what is pleasing to my Maestro, then I have no other worries.

It makes him happy if I wake up early and arrive to work early.  He finds my punctuality, pleasing.

It makes him happy when I keep the kids on a routine (and he helps tremendously with this).  He finds this structure pleasing.

It makes him happy that I take a minute in the morning to fix his coffee and bring it to him, without being asked.  He finds my service to him, pleasing.

It makes him happy when I openly beg him for what I want, without limit or reservation.  He finds my absolute surrender to him, pleasing.

It makes him happy when I kneel before him, as he reads or watches television, resting my head on his knee.  He finds my reverence to him, pleasing.

I feel complete and utter peace in doing what pleases him.  Everything is easier for me.  I don’t become as stressed when the kids are out of control, because I have his support and his strength.  Bad day at work? No problem…I can give it all to him and from his vantage point as my Master, he helps me find the opportunities hidden from my sight. His ownership protects me from many of the burdens I’ve faced alone for most of my life.

If you stop and think about it…it’s really a beautiful trade.  His ownership and my surrender.  Each of us giving the other what they want most out of life.  I find it very spiritual and it reaffirms this journey of mine.  This journey that has shifted into something far deeper than I ever thought possible.  It’s much like a godly relationship.  Giving all to God…the good and the bad, handing over all burdens, giving praise and glory.  Allowing oneself to surrender, to be led, to be protected.  For me, my relationship with Maestro, within this M/s dynamic, is a direct manifestation of how I want my relationship with God to be.  I want to do what is pleasing to Him, knowing that this is my one directive.  Living in a way that is pleasing to both my Maestro and my Maker.  Leaving my troubles and burdens with those who take on the responsibility in exchange for my faith, devotion and surrender.

It is perfect in its simplicity.

And I have to say…each day with Maestro is perfect simply because he is here.  I guess you could say that I have everything I want.

You say you’ll give me
Eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbor in the tempest

And So It Begins…

Today is the DAY! M is in route and in less than seven hours..he will be here. The kids are beyond excited and I have been “nesting” all week to get things ready for his arrival. (Special thanks to those who helped me get it all together, Lou and PBR, thanks ladies…your help and support made all the difference!)

Sometimes, there is a song that just fits the occasion, perfectly. Leave it to John Lennon to have the right words.

It’s time to spread our wing’s and fly,
Don’t let another day go by my love,
It’ll be just like starting over – starting over,

Save travels, M.  We are all ready for you to come home.