Lately, I guess I have been in a bubble. With so much fun going on at home, I haven’t really kept up with current events, or even local news.
So I just missed this one…
While shopping at Target yesterday (honestly readers, you would think I live there) I noticed a large display of books near the check-out. It was the new E L James’ book, “Grey”. It was brazenly on display, right where they place the “impulse items”. I snickered to myself and thought, how appropriate. Next to the guilty pleasures of candy bars, expensive Chapstick and individual Frappucino bottles, lurked the latest tome on the man himself, Christian Grey.
So this is a book written exclusively from Christian’s perspective. In his words. A work to further explore his sadistic mind. His quirky ways. His brooding intensity. I pondered purchasing it. But instead, I impulsively picked up the EOS Chapstick and a Frappucino, and made my way out of the store.
Driving away, I started thinking about the name “Grey”. I started thinking about the connotation behind it. I began to reflect on other movies who had a brooding leading man with the same surname. And it was distracting, so I pulled over, reapplied my Chapstick and finished up the Mocha.
One of my favorite independent films is 2002’s Secretary. Maggie Gyllenhaal played the role perfectly and the movie jump-started her career. And then there was James Spader….whew. His character was none other than, Mr. E. Edward Grey, an OCD attorney who plowed through secretaries faster than a Kardashian changes shoes. To me, he is who I think of when I hear the title, “Mr. Grey”. Since he was her boss, she always called him Mr. Grey, especially when he fashioned his angry red Sharpie to her work and bent her over his desk. Love that movie. It was so quirky and bizarre, but nonetheless, brilliant. And a happy ending.
If you take it back a bit further, you will find the character of John Gray, from 1986’s Nine 1/2 weeks. Back then, Mickey Rourke was the bad boy the good girls loved. And boy was he bad in the movie. Dark and mysteriously charming he seduced Kim Basinger and made her a wanton wreck of a woman in the end. A not so happy ending…and a terrible sequel, too.
And of course, there is the now infamous, Christian Grey. The ultra-successful billionaire who wears his jeans off his hips, likes his women submissive, his dungeons red and his ropes tight.
All of these similarly surnamed characters made me think…what is it about the name “Grey/Gray” that aligns with the aura of dominant mystique? The word literally means, the “color intermediately between black and white” (no surprise there) So is it because all of these characters embrace both the light and dark sides of their psyche? Is it because they are the balance of both good and bad? They have in some way mastered the place in the middle where those lines are skewed? Possibly? Thoughts?
But grey/gray also means “dull and nondescript without interest or character” and I wonder if that definition is a direct reference to the new book? HA! Just kidding!
Don’t fool yourself…I am sure I will pick it up on my next venture to Target…after all this pensive thought I need to go back, I am almost out of Chapstick.
Master, I need to kneel
Your hands I long to feel
Around my throat
And in that “place”
Taking up all the space
As I flinch
I beg for even more
Master, I need your grasp
So firm I gasp
My breath you take
My body quakes
And I beg for even more
Here for you,
Here to use
I beg for even more
(Picture courtesy of Pinterest)
Maestro and I took a little sojourn yesterday. White water rafting through some tumultuous “rapids”. It was another of our spontaneous trips. No planning or notice. No time to pack. No need for anything.
We never even left the bed.
As M entered my raft, it was obvious that he was to be my guide for the evening. He was adept at navigating the rough waters ahead. He was in total control. He led me into the river, maneuvering towards the first set of rapids. The wetness was all around and I could tell the waves were increasing in intensity. I decided to assist my guide by grabbing his oar and paddling toward the first part of our expedition. He was appreciative of my attention to detail, showing me how best to steer.
The waves lapped over the raft again and again. The intensity continued to build and his skilled maneuvers took me straight into another set of rapids. These were even more intense and I found myself soaked. The rush was incredible and he could see that I was ready for more. He navigated the raft with sharp expertise, changing direction to yet another set of rapids. These were so fierce…so consuming that we both ended up drenched.
We never capsized. M kept the raft afloat and each set of rapids proved more powerful than the ones before. I was eager to go farther each time. I wanted more, and the way he maneuvered the raft in perfect direction, gave me the ride of my life.
At the end of our lengthy expedition I was parched and only he could quench my thirst. After drinking my fill, he guided me out of the river and we basked on the shore…both of us spent and energized at the same time. Quietly lying there, recollecting the journey we had taken.
As I adjusted my pillow and rolled over to spoon into his form, I smiled to myself.
Wonder where our next trip will be?
Each and every day brings new experiences for me as I fall deeper and deeper in love with M. I never thought I could really get what I wanted. I was always prepared to give something up to get something else. I no longer have to do that. He is a complete person, a man in every sense of the word…who fulfills what I need and want . And each day that passes teaches me something more. More about him. More about our dynamic. More about being a parent. More about being HIS. He tests me on every level, because he knows I am capable of handling it.
Every day I am stretched (sometimes literally) or metaphorically speaking.
And each day I am thankful to have found my One.
Today is the DAY! M is in route and in less than seven hours..he will be here. The kids are beyond excited and I have been “nesting” all week to get things ready for his arrival. (Special thanks to those who helped me get it all together, Lou and PBR, thanks ladies…your help and support made all the difference!)
Sometimes, there is a song that just fits the occasion, perfectly. Leave it to John Lennon to have the right words.
It’s time to spread our wing’s and fly,
Don’t let another day go by my love,
It’ll be just like starting over – starting over,
Save travels, M. We are all ready for you to come home.
I am at a loss for words…
And yet I sit here, trying to share with you what I experienced this weekend. Trying to figure out a way to put it out there in words that can be understood.
And even I don’t fully understand it.
Maestro arrived at 5:07 am on Saturday morning. He decided to sleep for a while after work before making the drive to me, putting him here before daybreak. Things were different from the beginning. There was a different feel to his arrival. It didn’t feel like he was coming for a visit.
It felt like he was coming home.
And after such a long and tedious drive through the night, he was ready for bed. Or so I thought…
By 6:34 am, I’d had so many orgasms that I felt lightheaded. Each one was more intense than the previous one. The freshly laundered sheets were muddled in a matter of minutes and Maestro was intent on pushing further.
With his hand firmly grasping my throat, he growled, “I am not finished using you yet.”
And he carried on with his intent. Pushing me. Extracting ecstasy at every move. I was almost in a state of bewilderment, almost at my limit, when he relented and allowed me respite…giving me the opportunity to please him…to worship him.
We got little sleep and the kids were up very early. They were excited to see M. They adore him. We spent the majority of the day playing with them…and the babysitter arrived. We decided to grab an early dinner. I could tell Maestro was thinking about something, I could sense it. As we ate, he said, “I am coming here to stay. No more traveling back and forth. This is where I want to be. I have a job offer and it’s time to make the change.”
I was shocked. We had been talking about his relocation, with a projected time frame for the summer. So this was sudden and I was beyond happy. I need this man, this wonderful man, in my life daily…I need to be in his presence, daily.
So we sat there and planned. And he will be here this weekend. This is REALLY happening!
Looking back at the inception of this blog, of my journey at that time…I could have never dreamed that this would happen. I never dreamed that I would ever find the happiness, as I have with him. I never knew I could have the whole enchilada…have my cake and savor it too…
Think about it…I have been blessed with a man who loves and adores me.
And I love and adore him.
He loves my kids.
My kids love him.
He loves and accepts my family (my ailing father).
My family LOVES him.
He is able to fulfill my mind (not easy, I am an over-analytical, people pleaser)
He is able to lead and protect me.
He is able to take me to places I’ve never been.
He allows me to be my wickedly kinky self (as he is also wickedly kinky, even more than me).
And here we go…
My Master, as I am His…His slave.
He owns me, saying I am His most precious possession.
And we are about to embark on this crazy journey together as One.
So again, I am at a loss… a loss of what to say… a loss of the mess I was before.
Looking forward to who I have become. Who I will become…
As we become One.
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If I had a power color, it would be sparkle. Landon Brinkley
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