Shelter From the Storm

It’s after 2:00 am.  I can’t sleep, there’s too much on my mind.  Readers, I warn you….this is not going to be my typical post.  I’m in a state, so bear with me on this one.  It needs to come out. So here goes….

Emotional vulnerability is not my thing.  I rarely open up to people and very seldom do I show true emotion.  I keep my feelings in check until I can deal with them in private.  It’s just how I am wired. This is why submission is such an integral part of me.  In a scene, I can be vulnerable (more so in a physical sense) and I must let go to experience it.  It is a literal manifestation of vulnerability and for a long time, it gave me what I craved.

Until meeting Maestro, my submission was focused exclusively in the physical realm.  I was comfortable to be in a submissive “role” when engaged in a scene with one of my suitors.  But never did I allow myself to become emotionally vulnerable.  My guard was always up, as were my towering walls.  And if I felt someone was about to scale one of my walls, I would simply run.  It is an instinctive defense mechanism.

But Maestro changed all of that.  I felt like I was re-wired in a sense.  For once, I felt safe to be emotional.  To be vulnerable.  I felt protected.  I found myself embracing my suppressed submissiveness.  I began to feel things.  Experience things.  I didn’t run.  I could allow myself to swim in the deep waters, because he had my back.  And I knew that he wouldn’t allow anything to happen to me.  Submission was becoming more than a scene.  It was allowing me to finally become me.

So on this emotional and spiritual journey of mine,  I have learned many things.  I understand faith and grace and unconditional love.  But at the present time, I don’t feel very submissive.  And I am most upset about that.

Looking back at my two marriages, I was the strong one.  I was the one who handled everything.  I had the career and ran the house with a stern hand while raising and nurturing children. And with the crystal clear vision of hindsight, I understand why they ended.  That is not the natural order of things and it was destined for failure.  Upon deep reflection, I feel that I created the environment.  My reluctance to be vulnerable.  My inability to relinquish any form of control.  My need to lead it all, helped convert these two (polar opposite) men I married, into blubbering idiots….dependent on me for every decision.  Dependent on me to handle it all.  My inability to let go…my inability to be vulnerable helped to create an environment of learned helplessness.

And I am terrified that I am once again, subconsciously this time, headed for a similar scenario.

I just lost my mother a month ago.  That’s a pretty catastrophic event to endure and I was there for it all, spending many nights with her in the hospital.  Wanting to be alone with her for the communion of it just being us, but also because I wanted the privacy to be emotional.  And I am having a difficult time letting go.  I am really struggling to grieve.  I don’t think any of my friends or family really see this.  I put on the strong face and work through it.  I can maintain a stoic front for as long as I have to.  But the difference is….I don’t want to “have to”any longer.

In the midst of this, I have pulled away from Maestro.  I feel my instinct to run creeping back into my thoughts.  And I don’t want to run from him.  But I have had so much to handle…mom died…the kids have been terribly sick…I got sick…we were in a car accident (all of this in a 3 week span.)  And I am still caring for my father…still working as the only breadwinner…still getting up every morning and being a single mom. It gets to be too much at times.

Sometimes, I just want to curl up in his arms and know that I am protected.  That everything will be alright.  I want to be the little.  I want to hand over my burdens.  But he is seven hours away and this is when it really sucks to be in a long-distance relationship.  And here is my struggle with my submission.  I have pulled away and pushed him away…telling him I need to cope with things on my own.  I have been distant and in-turn, I feel him becoming distant…which is the opposite of what I want or need.  I am sure I am sending mixed signals, but what I need more than anything is the feeling of protection.  To complicate matters, he has a lot going on in his life right now, too.  So I can’t expect him to make the trip here every weekend.  But I need him.  I don’t want my stoic front to fool him into thinking I don’t.  I do need his strength.

And I need my submission to him, which feels a bit lost in all of this.  But to process, I need it now more than ever.  And part of that submission is being honest with myself and with him by admitting that I do need him.  I need his guidance.  I need his level-head…and his way of making me laugh…I need how he simplifies my life just by talking me through whatever task is in front of me…whatever I am facing.

I need shelter from the storm.

Not a word was spoke between us there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved
Try imagining a place where it’s always safe and warm
“Come in” He said
“I’ll give you shelter from the storm”.

I was burned out from exhaustion buried in the hail
Poisoned in the bushes and blown out on the trail
Hunted like a crocodile ravaged in the corn
“Come in” He said
“I’ll give you shelter from the storm”.

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6 thoughts on “Shelter From the Storm

  1. You already know what to do and I bet writing it out gave you clarity. Regardless of the distance he must know how you feel. You’ve been through a lot and I can truly empathize with what you’re going through. You’re overwhelmed. Treat this like prayer. Cast your burdens. You don’t make the decision as to what he can handle and what is too much for him, even with his own problems. He is your Dom and he knows that’s a big responsibility. Your responsiblity is to not keep it in.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the sweet response. I am still struggling here. I am not sure he wants the burden of all that I have going on. His response was not what I hoped for and I feel more uncertain than I did when I wrote this. And now I don’t feel a sense of protection, which is making it more difficult for me to have clarity.

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      1. Elle,

        i cannot thank you enough for your comments. It was a reminder to rely on my faith in God and to rely on my Maestro. And we worked through the issues and I feel we are stronger than ever. i have to learn how to let go…not just in the physical sense. I need to learn how to let go emotionally (the scariest place for me.)
        It is all a process…
        Love to you…
        lj

        Like

  2. Lex, i am feeling your pain. You and i have had a very similar road in our lives. So much in common. i know it’s hard, but i am praying that you will be able to “let go” and feel the protection of your Maestro. i’m sure He is only frustrated…my Daddy feels this as well from time to time. It is so very hard to let down the walls that we have built up, because we fear being hurt. i have a peace about what you are going through, and i believe that God does not want you going through it alone. i believe that if Maestro is the Dom that you have described, He will be there for you so you can feel free to let down your walls. We were not designed to be the leader of our family…right now we both have to be…but i’m sure there are some things that Maestro would be very happy to take on. i know when i approached Daddy with some things, He took the initiative and has made my life easier. My prayers are with you, my friend…if you want to email outside of WP you can here: daddykirstsbabygirl@gmail.com

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    1. bgjb,

      Thank you, my friend. Much to my surprise…he got here as fast as he could and made it all better, as only he can. Things are better, we are stronger and life is good.
      The right One changes everything.

      I truly appreciate you.

      All my love,
      lj

      Liked by 1 person

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