The Force Is Strong With This One

I’ve been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately. Understanding this new place. This new relationship.

The new person I am becoming.

Looking back at some of my earlier posts, I can see just how much I have grown. How I have embraced my true submissive nature. How I have evolved.

It was a really crazy ride in the beginning.

I did some outrageous things.  (Going to an island to meet a pierced shrink)

I took some incredible risks. (Playing with sharp objects with a sadist)

And lucky for me, I not only came out of it unscathed (for the most part), I emerged from the depths of my search…a more enlightened person.
One post that I find particularly appropriate with the upcoming holiday is one that I wrote 5 months ago, to the day, how ironic!  It was titled “These Are Not the Droids You’re Looking For”

Specifically, this was on my mind:

And yet, I continue to look.

Why?  Why do I waste my time?  Why do I put myself through the turmoil?

Introspectively, I think it’s a bit of a distraction for me.  Fun and entertaining.

And it’s because I think the blend exists.  I would love to find the perfect man.

The one I can bring home to family for Christmas dinner…that later that evening, breaks off a limb from the Christmas tree and flogs me senseless.  Ties me up with Christmas ribbon.  Puts his new riding crop in my stocking. 

Now that’s the gift that keeps on giving…sigh

Back to the story.”

I do believe that I have found what I described in that post.  The blend.  And I am thankful that I was able to find it in the midst of all of my craziness.  (Makes me want to say, “Why yes, Virginia.  There is a Santa Claus.”)

I am sure some of my readers are still a bit skeptical.  Concerned that maybe my journey with Maestro is on “warp” speed ahead.  The old me would have been weary and skeptical, also.  Remember, I didn’t believe in love.  I certainly didn’t think I would ever find it, especially expressed in the way, I needed it.  But here I am…part of a “We” which is a wonderful place to be.  (Sounds like a Hallmark card or a Dr Seuss tale, doesn’t it?)

And it’s real.  It’s not a flighty thing…not infatuation.  It is deep respect and adoration.  Trust me when I tell you….I know the difference.  It’s being able to share anything.  Sharing everything.  Letting go of secrets I’ve kept hidden from everyone.  It’s acceptance.  It’s understanding.

And it’s intensely hot.  I crave Maestro and no one else on this planet (or in a galaxy far, far away) will ever do.  I need him.  Only him.

You’re right, Darth Vader

The Force is strong with this one.



Timing is Everything…

Despite the fact that Maestro had my hands tied, over my head, with clear instructions not to move them.

And the fact that he was having his way with me…

And that my body had been ravaged for hours on end for two days…

I found myself in a spiritual place, Sunday night.

We’d had a full day.  Visiting one of my favorite places, the House of Blues for lunch, touring about Downtown Disney, meeting his dad, going to a movie and having a great dinner together, followed by a ride through a posh neighborhood to see Christmas lights…closing out the evening with some much needed restraint and kink.  (And thank you L…the scarves you sent they made for great restraints!)

I was beyond satiated.  But at the same time, I was pensive.

Earlier in the day, as we arrived at the movie theater, I received a message from a new reader.  A reader, who is on a similar journey…searching for God in the midst of her exploration into D/s.  I found her message intriguing and convicting.  I mean, how many of us out there are really looking for God in D/s or a BDSM relationship? It seems a stretch to find the correlation.  But she and I were on a similar plane, as are a handful of fellow bloggers out there.  I have come to admire many of these ladies, deeply.

I felt convicted in my spirit because we were sitting down to watch, Exodus, the new Ridley Scott movie about the story of Moses.  I honestly didn’t care to see the movie.  Maestro showed me a trailer and I felt it would be a bit too violent for my taste.  But I could tell he wanted to see it and I submitted to his decision.

Submitted. To. Him.

And a few minutes into the movie, I understood why I was there…

From a spiritual place, I felt commonality between Moses and myself.  I have turned and run from God more times than I can count.  I have doubted God.  Doubted His very existence.  I have scoffed and scorned Him.  I have shrugged off signs.  I have ignored messages.  And even though I have done all of these things,  in many ways I have always sought Him.  Sought the comfort of knowing and believing.  Sought the feeling only faith can give a person.  I yearn to have faith…a deep faith.

So what does any of this have to do with anything, you ask?

Bear with me…I have a point.

I truly believe that things don’t happen by coincidence.  I feel there is a bigger picture.  A higher calling in most things.

Of all movies for us to watch, it was that one.

Of all times to receive the message, it was then, at that moment.

Of all of the people I could be sitting with, it is my Maestro.

And it dawned on me that this is bigger than I understand.  The message in the email.  The message in the movie.  The absolute love and affection I get from Maestro.  This is all part of a bigger thing.

The message I received in all of that is I am right where I am supposed to be.

I am with who I am supposed to be with.

And it is my responsibility to understand this.  Embrace this new version of me.

Submitting  to Maestro.

Submitting to the Almighty.

I find that I am ready.  Finally ready.

It’s clear now.

Timing really is everything…


Giving and Receiving…

The alarm was harsh and direct….

Wearily, I picked up my phone to silence its interruption at 4:15 am.

And then it hit me…


On 12/13/14, I boarded a plane at 6:00 am and flew to see my Maestro.  As sleepy as I felt, the adrenaline quickly relieved me of the need for coffee, and I found myself focused and in the zone.  I arrived in the Sunshine state less than 3 hours later.  The weather was perfect and there were palm trees lining the concourse.  I immediately felt like I was on vacation.

I found him in the airport, waiting for me under a large Christmas tree…just like the gift he is in my life.

Once we kissed, I realized that I had finally arrived at my destination.

Not a place….but a state of mind.  Wherever he is…is home for me.

We ate breakfast and were lucky to get an early check-in at the hotel.  I thought we would take some time to nap, since we were both awake so early.  But there was no rest for the weary….

Maestro had a much different agenda.

After hours of play, I found I was no longer tired.  I felt energized and alive.  There is something about this man…he can wreck a well put-together hairdo in about 10 minutes, changing it from Playboy bunny hair to Medusa.

The things he does to me.

The way he controls me…

The way he pleasures me….

The way he takes me. 

Shortly after high noon, I was walking like I was a dancer in a Beyonce video.  (Cue “All the Single Ladies…”)

We had a perfect day.  Lots of sex.  Great conversation.  Great food.  Good times!  But by 10:00 pm, we were both beyond exhausted and fell asleep.

I love waking up next to him.  Feeling him watch me as I sleep.  Looking into his eyes and knowing what he wants me to do.  Knowing this, only by his look.  There are no words needed between us.

There is nothing like full submission to Maestro.  Giving in and giving all.

All for him.

Giving it all and expecting nothing in return…but getting more than I ever dreamed possible .

The way he makes me feel is a gift.  By submitting and letting go, I am able to experience freedom.  I can be myself and be accepted.  I can be a woman again…not someone’s mom….not someone’s daughter…a real, warm-blooded, wanton, sexual being.  Asking for whatever I crave, knowing he will not judge my requests. Knowing that as he violates me, he still honors me…and treats me like a queen…always giving me pleasure beyond pleasure with the degree of kink and Dominance I love….with plenty of spankings for this naughty girl.

After all, it was our birthday weekend…spankings are in order, right?




Re-Birth Birthday

Maestro and I share December birthdays. Mine is this coming Monday, his is later in the month. So, we hatched a plan. Why not plan a getaway to see each other in between our special days, to celebrate?

In less than 10 days, we will be together again! I can hardly wait…

Next Saturday, Mary Poppins comes to stay with the kiddos, and I board a plane at “oh-six-hundred” to see my Maestro.
I can’t think of a better gift than to be able to spend time with him. Kid-free. Relaxed. In the moment.

This year, I find that my birthday is like a re-birth of sorts. Finding myself. Enjoying the gift of true love. Giving myself to him. Letting go of control.

It’s a gift of self-acceptance.

Thanks to the One, that in his wisdom and guidance has illuminated the way…leaving the candles on the birthday cake to burn a bit longer so that I may clearly see what’s in front of me…

Knowing that I don’t have to close my eyes and make a wish when I blow out the candles.

Because my wish has already come true.


Full Disclosure

I have always lived a double life.  Until now.

I remember when I began exploring a secret life.  There was an excitement to it.  I was able to escape my reality by living in an alternate, yet parallel existence.  It’s where I began my first experience with D/s.

To my family and friends I was an intelligent, driven 16 year old, well-spoken and self-assured.  I knew what I wanted out of life and I had the ambition to make it happen.  They saw me as the obedient good girl, who did what was expected and rarely questioned authority.

Funny how that paralleled into my secret life…

Because, in my secret existence, I was still the same girl, just a much darker version.  I was involved with a man many years my senior, my mentor at work, who introduced me to the lifestyle, without ever labeling it as such.  I was just as obedient and did what I was told to do.  It was a very natural place for me.  I learned early on that I enjoyed pushing limits and exploring different things…things my high school counterparts knew nothing about.

It was part of my secret existence.

Now fast-forward 25 years.  Since then, I have always kept a part of my life secret.  Neither of my former spouses knew of, or would have ever accommodated my eclectic tastes in kink.  They saw me in a completely different light.  I was the one in control of the relationship, so I could never be my true submissive self.  When I would recommend different things, they would become uncomfortable and withdraw, so I stopped communicating.  Keeping it all on a surface-level.

I always looked for an outlet elsewhere.  It’s not something I am proud of at all.  But luckily, neither of them were ever aware of my extra-curricular activities.  That was never the reason for the breakup…there were many other reasons that ended the marriage.

So, here I am.  Almost 42 years old.  And for once in my adult life, I have nothing to hide.  I want to share it all with Maestro.  There is no shame in my past transgressions.  There is no hesitance in disclosing my dark moments.  I know that his love and adoration is unconditional, just as mine is with him.  There is no need to keep anything from him.  He loves and accepts all of me.

From a spiritual place, this type of love and acceptance epitomizes the concept of grace.  It’s where love cannot be earned, but rather, it’s given freely as a gift.

Through this grace…

I have freed myself of any distractions.  Those that were part of my secret existence no longer have a place in my life.

I am freed of the need to hold on to secrets.  To keep secrets.  To live a double life.

I am unlocked.  Open.  Ready to share.  Ready to receive.

Seems each corner I turn, with Maestro as my guide, I find myself closer to the enlightenment I’ve sought all these years.

Faith.  Love.  Peace.  Grace.

Each day brings deeper understanding as we journey along together.


Leftovers in the Kitchen…

I was gathering the containers of leftovers to make us a snack when I heard…

“Place your hands on the counter, like this” He pointed to two specific places on the kitchen counter.

I followed his instruction without hesitation, as there was a tone to his voice.  I placed my hands exactly where he told me.

“Good.  That’s right.  Now, don’t move them.”

The light of the open refrigerator illuminated the kitchen.  I could feel the warmth of him standing close behind me, contemplating his next move.  I could also feel the chill from the fridge on my right side.

“Bend for me and open your legs.  Remember…you must keep your hands on the counter as I instructed you.”

I arched my back and opened my legs, as he told me to.  Through my pajamas, i could feel his hand caress the insides of my open thighs, moving to the small of my back, across my backside.  He pulled my bottoms down and probed for the place he sought.

Having to keep my hands on the counter began to pose a challenge for me.  Keeping my composure became a challenge for me also, as the little ones were asleep.

He found what he sought and began his relentless pursuit of my climax.  I was overcome with pleasure and desperately tried to stay quiet, while keeping my hands in position.  I felt my legs shaking and it was all I could do to hold this position.

He pressed himself closer to my body and with his free hand, he covered my mouth.  This simple gesture sent me into a state of oblivion.  The control…the dominance…the fact that his hand could strategically muffle my increasingly loud moans and screams…all of this instantly caused me to have one of the most prolific orgasms of my existence.  Right there…in the kitchen.

And yes, the refrigerator was still open.

And no, I didn’t manage to hold the position with my hands on the counter.  Lucky for me, he didn’t object at that point.  We forgot about the leftovers and made our way to the bedroom.

I was putty in his hands at this point and with one hand on my throat and the other placed between my legs, he ravaged me again.  And again.  And again.

I regained my composure when he whispered, “Did you like that?  Ahhhh….I know you did.  You were a very good girl.  Now, I want you to please me.  Take me deep in your mouth and give your Master what he wants.”

The sound of his voice in my ear almost took me to oblivion again.  I eagerly began my service of worship. His body was my temple and I showed my true and utmost devotion to him as I explored my shrine, consuming his warm nectar.

We eventually collapsed into each others arms and woke at first light.  I slept so peacefully knowing he was there next to me.  Knowing that I belong to him.  Knowing that I am loved, protected and led by such a perfect man.  The One I searched for.  The One I waited for.

The One I prayed for.

I am forever grateful for this gift I have been given.  Thanksgiving was a different holiday for me this year.  It was more meaningful.  More authentic.  (And a bit more kinky…)

I have a feeling that everything will be different from now on.

Now that I have my Maestro.

You make me feel so divine

Your soul and mine are entwined

Before you I was blind