The Struggle

I am in deep.

Can’t touch the bottom.

The water feels great, but I have moments of panic and anxiety.

What if I can’t swim all the way to shore?

Intermittently, I float.  Feeling the weightlessness of letting go of myself.

But still, the thought of being in waters so deep, scares me.

I begin to swim towards shore and realize just how far it is.

I think I can make it back there.

But yet, I don’t want to get out of the water.

And I realize it’s not the water that scares me…

The only thing I am afraid of is myself.

I don’t know who I am any longer.

I haven’t really changed on the outside.  I am still in control of my day-to-day.  Still the strong, confident woman at work.  Still the mom who juggles it all.  Still the caregiver to my parents.

But this other side of me…my submissive self.  I find that I am in unchartered waters.

Prior to Maestro, I have only swam laps in the pool of submission.  Meaning, my only real experience is with scenes and play dates.

Now I am in a large, beautiful lake of D/s…

No defined place to swim laps.

No defined shallow-end.

No warnings for the deep-end.

Undefined edges at the shore.

And I find myself swimming towards the middle of the lake.

Heading towards a 24/7 dynamic.

I worry that I am not that good of a swimmer.

Do I have the endurance?

And then He quiets my mind and my worries.

He knows my struggle to stay afloat in these deep waters.

He acts as my raft.  My safety.

But I still struggle.  Splashing and kicking. Keeping a watchful eye on the shore.

When I should just let go

And float…

Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground

And you may ask yourself
Am I right?…Am I wrong?
And you may say to yourself yourself
My God!…What have I done?!

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4 thoughts on “The Struggle

  1. Like a little fish said a while back with whom I can totally relate…just keep swimming, just keep swimming…one day at a time. Lie back and breathe– let Him be the current and gentle wave that keeps you a float.

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