Here’s a post-Halloween missive that feels most appropriate for me now.
Looking back at my life, there has never been a time where I lived presently, in one life…in one sole existence. To explain, I’ve always compartmentalized. I had my friends who knew me as the creative over-achiever, cool mom and good friend, but knew nothing of the other sides. A very few select friends knew my darker side, but had no idea I could make a 3-tiered professionally designed wedding cake. My church friends that saw me as the consummate volunteer for special projects, who would completely disown me if they could see the hand prints on my backside from an evening well-spent. My work friends who barely knew me at all, except for the fact that I worked best under extreme pressure. But not one person knew me as a whole.
That has changed a bit. Over the past few months, I have finally felt comfortable bluring the lines,,,with a select few. Some of my best friends are now all of the above…and I have found that they have many sides as well.
Relationships were compartmentalized in a similar way. I would have the boyfriend/spouse that was a picture of all that was normal and expected. They knew the driven, creative, stubborn woman capable of being what she needed to be. But they nothing of who I really needed to be, or what I really wanted.
Then there were
The ones who knew little of my day-to-day existence, but knew of my darkest desires. Those who knew just how far I would go within certain limits, but knew nothing of me as a whole person. Sometimes they didn’t even know that I had children, or what type of work I did. I intentionally kept that side a secret.
And now that I am exploring my wholeness with One, some of these others are trying to distract me.
I continue to politely decline. Mostly they are understanding and happy for me. There are a few that will remain friends, as that part of our dynamic was always more prominent than the playtime we shared. They understand and accept their boundaries. But there are a few who just don’t seem to get the message. I have had to be a bit more direct.
For once in my life, there is no need for me to lead two lives. No need to keep secrets. No need to hide anything.
I have found a place where I can be all that I am, with the One who accepts and loves all of me.
The neurotic chronic worrier.
The creative over-achiever who starts multiple projects and struggles to finish any of them.
The insatiable submissive who craves his touch and direction, his approval and his discipline.
The multi-tasking caregiver to kids, parents and everything in between.
The restless spirit who keeps her running shoes in close sight, but chooses not to run.
He gets all of me. Wants to understand all of me.
He wants to guide all of me.
And for once…
There is no need for the others, when I now have