Month: November 2014

Alive and Kicking (Maestro’s Arrival)

I’ll let you in on a little secret…

Ed McMahon is not dead.  At least for me, he’s not.

I feel like I just won for life.

Not an over-sized check. No obnoxious bouquet of balloons.

Instead, I hit the proverbial jackpot of love.

Me, the cynic…the non-believer…

The one who refuses to let anyone in, has truly found the One…and this girl is ALL IN.

My Maestro arrived late Tuesday night and I have barely had time to come up for air since then.

He left from work and drove seven hours to get here a day early..

After putting in significant overtime to have the time off…

Driving the entire stretch,  in the rain…

When I saw the headlights pull into my driveway, I was so beyond excited that I almost ran outside in the cold rain, barefoot in my pajamas…but instead, I waited for him on the porch.

I felt like a girl on Christmas morning who has just spotted her presents under the tree.

There we were.  Together. Finally.

I felt alive in his presence.

We sat together and just looked at each other for the longest time.  I studied his face.  Looked into his eyes and committed to memory any of the things I’d missed before.

I forgot how perfect his kiss is.  How he knows exactly how I like to be kissed.

He also knows each and every button on my body, and how to switch them on.

And I love giving him control.

He stroked my cheek and pulled me close, whispering in my ear, “Do you know what I want?”

Ahhhh….how he whispers….

“What do you want, my Maestro?” I asked

He whispered again, “I want you to remove your pajamas and assume your position.”

I knew what he wanted.  I placed myself across his lap as if it were an altar.

Within minutes, he brought me over the edge…over the mountain…off the cliff and into the pools of sweet surrender.   The passion we share is unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

What is so different, you ask?

It’s me.  I am different.  I am able to experience things I’ve never experienced before because for once in my life I can be myself. I can be my broken…flawed…sometimes neurotic…erotic…kinky…submissive self.  I am free to be who I am.  No facades.  No masks.  No changing my colors to blend in.

With Maestro, I can be ME.  Which leads me to a complex, yet simply epiphany.  I have never been myself in relationships.  I have always been some version of me, but never gave anyone access to the real me.

This is true submission on an intensely deep level.

When we moved to the bedroom, we spooned.  I love that.  It’s a feeling of closeness that I have missed out in my life, never wanting to let anyone in.

He began to stroke my hair…my arm…my leg…my sweet spot.  As he massaged the spot, he whispered in my ear.  There was a primal tone in his voice, although he kept the volume at whisper level.

“Do you remember the text I sent you?  The one you read while at the store?”

“Yes” I replied.

“Good, I am glad.  Do you recall the phrase ‘tame and pale in comparison?”

“Of course I do, i read it over and over.”

He already had me under his spell, but he somehow raised the bar…increasing his dominion over me.  His hand was around my throat.  His body was firmly pressed against my back.  He pulled me even closer.

“Do you know who you are?” he growled in his whisper to me.

I wondered if this was a rhetorical question, or if I was expected to answer.  Before I could gather my thoughts, he spoke again.

“Who are you?  Do you know who you are?”

I replied this time…

“Yes, I’m yours.”

His hand shifted from my throat to my hair.  Pulling it tautly.

He leaned into my ear, breathy and deep and said…

“You are mine.”

And again he growled, “YES…..Mine”

(To be continued)

 

 

 

 

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Patience

It has been 40 days since I have seen my Maestro. But He is coming to spend Thanksgiving with me and my family.  I cannot wait for Him to get here next week.  He has been traveling for work for a month now, spending considerable time in the Midwest.

This Southern girl can’t wait for Him to darken her door so that she may show Him proper Southern hospitality.

In the meantime, our talks have taken on a deeper significance.  There is something to be learned from long distance relationships. Although we are not in each other’s presence, the depth of our connection continues to grow.  I find myself sharing everything with Him, a new phenomenon for me.  Not keeping anything from Him.  Telling Him my thoughts…my struggles…my insecurities…and also sharing the good stuff, the silly stuff, the boring stuff and (of course) the naughty stuff.

Yesterday, in the middle of the day, via text, I shared a scenario that was on my mind.  It was a bit detailed and it was very “involved” and very naughty.  I won’t share the specifics, but use your kinky imagination.  Your very kinky and creative imagination…

Maestro replied with this:

“I like your naughty thoughts and I like where you went with this. There is no doubt in my head that this scenario will play itself out sometime in our future…There will be things that I will do to you that will make this seem tame and will pale in comparison.  But everything in its own time and place…The taking of you will be slow and sweet.  Have no doubt about that.”

I was in the grocery store when I received His reply.  In the frozen foods section.  I found myself blushing as I read it, despite the chill from the freezers surrounding both sides of me.

And I totally forgot why I had ventured down that aisle in the first place.

The Man knows how to get my attention.  From thousands of miles away.

I found myself reading the message a few times more…each time I read it, it made me more impatient to see Him.  To be in His presence.  To feel His arms around me.

Sigh….

Guess I need to be patient.  Not a strength of mine.  But I am learning…it’s part of this wonderful journey.

Said, woman, take it slow
And it’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we’ll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
Patience

Faith

What is faith anyway?

I am not speaking from a religious place, but rather a spiritual place.

So faith…what is it?

Using traditional religion as an example, isn’t faith defined as believing in something but having no tangible proof of its existence?

The skeptic in me always wants proof.  Always wants to see the data.

Always wants to…

Over-analyze

Over-think

Question

Doubt

That is just my nature.

Optimists see the glass half-full.  Pessimists see it half-empty.  Realists see it as a half a glass of water.

And the skeptics…We say, “I don’t even know if that’s really water.”

So how does this skeptic learn to believe?

Maestro and I were talking last night and he brought up my post from yesterday, The Struggle.  He said He sensed some anxiety from me after reading it.  That maybe I was skeptical of this beautiful thing we have together.

His response to that skeptical line of thought….

To continue being Himself.

To continue to believe in what we have.  To have faith in us.

I was taken in by this rationale.

He continued, “I know what we have.  I have no doubt that you are the person I want to grow old with, that you are the one person for me.  I know it.  I believe in it.  I am willing to put the effort into this.  To not give up.  To be whatever you need.  To give you the space to process when you feel skeptical.  I am not going anywhere.  Do you know why?  Because, I love you.  But most importantly, I believe in us.”

I was silent.  Overcome with emotion.

At that moment…at that very moment Maestro taught me the concept of faith.  Through all of my years in Sunday school.  All of my years of believing in God and Jesus and Santa Claus, I never fully understood what it meant to have faith.

Now I get it.

And here’s what I gleaned from our conversation.

I believe in us too.

And Maestro is teaching me, guiding me back on the path to spiritual enlightenment.  He is bringing me to this new place in me that I am learning to call home.

For now, our home isn’t a tangible place.  It’s our faith in who we are together.

The Struggle

I am in deep.

Can’t touch the bottom.

The water feels great, but I have moments of panic and anxiety.

What if I can’t swim all the way to shore?

Intermittently, I float.  Feeling the weightlessness of letting go of myself.

But still, the thought of being in waters so deep, scares me.

I begin to swim towards shore and realize just how far it is.

I think I can make it back there.

But yet, I don’t want to get out of the water.

And I realize it’s not the water that scares me…

The only thing I am afraid of is myself.

I don’t know who I am any longer.

I haven’t really changed on the outside.  I am still in control of my day-to-day.  Still the strong, confident woman at work.  Still the mom who juggles it all.  Still the caregiver to my parents.

But this other side of me…my submissive self.  I find that I am in unchartered waters.

Prior to Maestro, I have only swam laps in the pool of submission.  Meaning, my only real experience is with scenes and play dates.

Now I am in a large, beautiful lake of D/s…

No defined place to swim laps.

No defined shallow-end.

No warnings for the deep-end.

Undefined edges at the shore.

And I find myself swimming towards the middle of the lake.

Heading towards a 24/7 dynamic.

I worry that I am not that good of a swimmer.

Do I have the endurance?

And then He quiets my mind and my worries.

He knows my struggle to stay afloat in these deep waters.

He acts as my raft.  My safety.

But I still struggle.  Splashing and kicking. Keeping a watchful eye on the shore.

When I should just let go

And float…

Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground

And you may ask yourself
Am I right?…Am I wrong?
And you may say to yourself yourself
My God!…What have I done?!

The Others…

Here’s a post-Halloween missive that feels most appropriate for me now.

Looking back at my life, there has never been a time where I lived presently, in one life…in one sole existence.  To explain, I’ve always compartmentalized.  I had my friends who knew me as the creative over-achiever, cool mom and good friend, but knew nothing of the other sides.  A very few select friends knew my darker side, but had no idea I could make a 3-tiered professionally designed wedding cake.  My church friends that saw me as the consummate volunteer for special projects, who would completely disown me if they could see the hand prints on my backside from an evening well-spent.  My work friends who barely knew me at all, except for the fact that I worked best under extreme pressure.  But not one person knew me as a whole.

That has changed a bit.  Over the past few months, I have finally felt comfortable bluring the lines,,,with a select few.  Some of my best friends are now all of the above…and I have found that  they have many sides as well.

Relationships were compartmentalized in a similar way.  I would have the boyfriend/spouse that was a picture of all that was normal and expected. They knew the driven, creative, stubborn woman capable of being what she needed to be.  But they nothing of who I really needed to be, or what I really wanted.

Then there were

The others…

The ones who knew little of my day-to-day existence, but knew of my darkest desires.  Those who knew just how far I would go within certain limits, but knew nothing of me as a whole person.  Sometimes they didn’t even know that I had children, or what type of work I did.  I intentionally kept that side a secret.

And now that I am exploring my wholeness with One, some of these others are trying to distract me.

I continue to politely decline.  Mostly they are understanding and happy for me.  There are a few that will remain friends, as that part of our dynamic was always more prominent than the playtime we shared.  They understand and accept their boundaries.  But there are a few who just don’t seem to get the message.  I have had to be a bit more direct.

For once in my life, there is no need for me to lead two lives.  No need to keep secrets.  No need to hide anything.

I have found a place where I can be all that I am, with the One who accepts and loves all of me.

The neurotic chronic worrier.

The creative over-achiever who starts multiple projects and struggles to finish any of them.

The insatiable submissive who craves his touch and direction, his approval and his discipline.

The multi-tasking caregiver to kids, parents and everything in between.

The restless spirit who keeps her running shoes in close sight, but chooses not to run.

He gets all of me.  Wants to understand all of me.

He wants to guide all of me.

And for once…

There is no need for the others, when I now have

The One.

The others