Role Playing

It’s not what you’re thinking…

Role playing is not something limited to kink.  It is something we engage in every day.

Today, for example, I am in the role of a daughter and a caregiver.

My 81 year old father is having a biopsy of his right lung.  The doctors recently discovered a large mass that was not there 6 weeks ago.  Whatever it is, it is growing rapidly.  He needed someone there to keep him calm before the procedure.

I was there as his strength.

What a reversal of roles.

My father is the type of man everyone remembers.  He is love and compassion personified.  He used to work on large nuclear power plants and was able to accomplish tremendous work with a small team because he knew how to direct and motivate people.  Such a strong man.  Such a proud man.

And today, so small.  So fearful.

I held his hand as they explained the procedure to him.  He is hard of hearing and I could tell he didn’t hear all of what they said.

I could also tell that he didn’t want to hear it all.

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

We will know the results within the week.

And tomorrow, I will assume the role of parent and caregiver.

My one-year old daughter is scheduled to have surgery at 7:00 am.  She has suffered with multiple ear infections and the doctors have opted to place tubes in her ears.  It’s a very simple procedure and it will improve her quality of life.

And like today, with my father, I will be there alone.

I made the choice to divorce my ex-husband soon after she was born.  He has significant addiction issues and I knew that things would continue to spiral down.  I was not willing to allow our family to join him on his descent to rock bottom.

So tomorrow, I will face it alone.  Her father is not willing to come there so “early” in the morning.  And that’s okay.

I do wish that I had someone to lean on.  Someone to be my strength.  Especially in these scenarios.

A strong man willing to let me assume the role of a scared girl.

Someone to reassure me that everything will be okay.

But I also realize that in order to find this person, I have to be wiling to be vulnerable.

That is where it becomes challenging for me.

I have become so accustomed to being in charge, being strong, making all of the decisions in my day-to-day life, I don’t know how to be vulnerable.  I don’ t know how to allow someone to lead me, unless I am in a scene with

Boundaries

Limits and

Safe words.

My search for a Dominant has given me respite from the control I cling to so tightly.  But I wonder if I will ever truly let go.

As for now, I walk this tightrope between the two.

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