I am an addict.
Yes, an addict.
My drug is not tangible. It’s not the obvious.
It is NOT what you’re assuming….
It is not sex. That just happens to be a by-product of the rush.
Fear is my drug.
Fear of the unknown. The sheer anticipation of what’s to come.
It’s an adrenaline high that rivals no other.
The other thrill-seekers out there are thinking, you could get the same rush from doing so many other things.
I can’t say that I would get the same rush from bungee jumping, or sky diving. By comparison, those are tame…there are many controlled factors: a parachute, bungee cord, professionals to guide you through, etc. The variables are the “what-if’s” that exist to thrill.
What if the parachute doesn’t open? What if the cord breaks? The outcome will likely be the same.
When it comes to my search for a Dominant, everything is a variable. There are no controlled factors.
You cannot control a man’s intent.
You cannot control the depths of a man’s dark desire.
And you cannot control a man’s actions, especially a Dominant man. Particularly a sadist (we’ll come back to this)
You can only adapt and control your response.
That’s the thrill for me, in this journey as the perfect submissive.
Being face-to-face with the unknown.
The penetrating eye contact.
Only being to anticipate next steps from their cues/directives.
And knowing that I have willingly put myself in the situation to submit to them.
I had resolved in my head, to back away from Mr. Bond. He was so experienced in the lifestyle. So aware of his own desires and how I could fulfill them, that I found myself fearful. It was scary on a level that shook this fear-addict.
But then curiosity got the best of me. He is so fascinating. So real. So confident.
I decided I should at least meet him once to assess how I felt in his presence.
But I already know how I feel in his presence…vulnerable.
I needed to test my limits.
We agreed to meet next Saturday evening. He selected a hotel.
I was given specific instructions of how to prepare and what to wear.
At the specified time, I am to be waiting for him at the bar.
I am to wear a dress.
With black heels.
My hair is to be down and wild (not hard here in the South…humidity dictates wild)
My lips and toes will be red.
I am not allowed to wear underwear.
He will approach me at the bar. I am to wait for his signal.
I’ve already played the entire scene out in my head. He will walk in, such the handsome devil and observe me from afar, carefully assessing whether or not I followed his instructions.
He will then approach me from behind. Whispering something in my ear that only an experienced Dom would say, while grinning, sadistically.
From there, he will taunt me with innuendo and possibly coerce me into doing risqué things in public. After all, there is a reason we are meeting in a bar. In a public place. He has a plan.
There is always a method to this sadist’s madness.
I am giddy with excitement. I know that I will experience things I’ve never tried before.
I know that he will test my limits.
He will help me push my limits. I have given him permission.
He’s in my head.
And as scary as all of this is, I know that he will keep me safe. That is the number one role of any Dom, to keep their submissive safe.
My soul is stirred….but my core is not shaken, Mr. Bond.
Next weekend cannot get here fast enough for this eager Bond girl.